Mood: Tired (AOL really should give us more options!)
I am in the Poconos at a family reunion of sorts. My family gathers rarely, and with some trepidation. Sadly, we all grew up with the belief system that there was not enough love in the world to go around, and the competition for attention was subtle but fierce. The eldest daughter(me) was the shining student who never got in trouble-until the '60s hit. I struggled desperately to be that good girl. The middle child was the SON, born to carry on the family name, a burden for a dyslexic child who had to attend a prestigous school-as we all did. The third, and last child, was an afterthought, born when I was 10. Bright and stubborn, she was more attatched to our father than I was, and only 5 when I left for a co-ed Quaker Boarding school. I never really lived at home again.
I am trying to get to know my sister better- hence this trip. She was 9 when I married, and we have kept a desultory connection ever since. E-mail has helped some. So far this weekend, we have had some time to connect, and have a time set aside tomorrow for each other. She is also trying to connect with old friends, and with our brother Luke and his wife Mary, who are off camping in the woods for the weekend.
Even though I know now there is not a finite amount of love or acceptance in the world- a lesson hard learned- it is easy to fall into old patterns here. Who can be the cleverist? Who can be most helpful? Who can be the most active, the best dressed, the most outgoing? And much more. I struggle to remember that I am enough right now, as I am, no need for approval from any member of the family.
Rene, bless her, is kind enough to temper her comments on how alike my mother, sister, daughter and I are with reminders that she loves me anyway-and Meg-and enjoys my family alot. Then we go back to our motel room and eat Tastycake pies, and laugh a lot.
It is difficult to get online here, and I am missing the goings on in J-Land! We get home Wednesday, and it will take me days to catch up!
picture from:www.bikexprt.com/ menard/menardc5.htm