Thursday, April 27, 2006

Catching Up and Getting Out Some

To read this in a better form, go to MagogoSMusing at Blogger.

Spring has finally really arrived in my corner of Connecticut. The daffodils are blooming in waves,my neighbors magnolia is at its peak of glory, and we are all emerging, blinking in the sunlight. I am emerging a bit, too, thanks to Wellbutrin and my new snazzy cobalt blue rolling walker.

I have been struggling all winter with dizziness when I stand up-my blood pressure falls as much as 20 points sometimes. When this happens my knees go wobbly and I go down-sometimes hard. I have learned to stand up slowly and wait before I move, but there are other times when I am standing  and turn around, take a step, and go down-yelling "timber!" as I head for the floor.

Needless to say, this has been concerning since I live alone now and have a very hard time getting up, because I am still not very strong. My neurologist attributes all this to neuropathy from 30+ years of diabetes. With much less weight on my feet-I've lost over 160 lbs since my heaviest- my feet are in less firm contact with the floor than in the past.
I also stagger all over the road when I walk.

Hence the rolling walker. Walking with a cane aggravated my shoulders, but with my walker I can now walk a mile without staggering or falling down! Doesn't sound like much, but for me it's amazing.

I am getting out more socially, too. I am forcing myself to accept any invitation that come my way-a St. Patrick's Day party, an art auction for our local HIV/AIDS group, a Mary Kay make up party(!), a drumming circle. I am struggling to make the best of what comes my way, trying to meet new people(very difficult for a real introvert like me).

Have I emerged from the cave yet? Not yet, but occasionally I can see a glimmer of light far away, shining in the darkness, as I struggle down the path using my rolling walker and with the candle perched in my walker's basket. It also has a seat so I can occasionally rest.

Blessings, Margo

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Cane and Candle

Hecate stands by the crossroads, where  the three paths meet, with her dogs beside her. She holds her torch high. I have stood with her, frozen, for too long. Choose a road, really only three choices, and I know for sure I am not going back down the trail I came in on. That leaves two paths, which wind away into the darkness of Her huge cave.

I have been blessed. She has stood with me through mourning, self-blame, self-doubt, self hatred, loneliness, hopelessness, a cold dark winter of Not Knowing. She is not known as a patient Goddess, but she has been patient with me. She does not give me platitudes or advice, but I know it's time to leave her, to move on. I've known for a while.

Two roads-Robert Frost  wanted to take both roads offered to him, I am gathering up courage to choose one, and neither seem well traveled. Two roads leading into darkness, to who- knows- where, but I must pick one.

And so I do, randomly starting out, supported by my new blue cane, walking off into the dark alone. I have been lonely a lot this long winter, and leaving Hecate is a wrench. I turn and honor her with a bow, and a formal "Thank You for Your Blessings". She nods and almost smiles, then turns back to Her dogs.

Perhaps She holds her torch a little higher, to give me light a little farther. I am grateful. After a while it is just me on a path,
stumbling some, feeling scared and courageous in the darkness.

In my other life, the one that people refer to as real, it is Robin, my massage therapist, who gives me a candle. As her strong hands work my deflated flesh, she tells me to fill myself with the Light of the Universe, the Light freely available to all, let it pour in through my first charka, the down my body until it is shining out my pores.

I breath in, slowly, trying to let the Light flow through me, and am struck by the difference between my lives, inner and outer, outer and inner, which is more real? I picture myself in Hecate's cave, following an unknown path in the dark, so I take some of Robin's light and know I now have a candle. One which will not go out, because it is fueled by the Light of the Universe.

So now I am walking a bit faster these days, helped by my new blue cane, and a candle which glows with the light and love of those who want me out of the cave. I am not ready to emerge, but I'm moving faster down the road with my own  candle, a small torch to light the path.