Tuesday, November 29, 2005
I know all this in my head, and believe it to be true. It's just that I can't seem to live it, yet, because my heart or soul or guts or some part of me hasn't caught up yet. The best I can do is act as if what I am doing(physical therapy, working out with Glenn, my trainer, going to a whole lot of counseling, from nutritional to psychological, keeping every Dr's appointment scrupulously, choosing not to fight with Rene)is actually going to lead me somewhere I need to be. Some days I believe this, others I can't.
But I am doing well in some areas. Since April I have lost 117 pounds, 98 of them since surgery, on 7/11/05. I continue to work the WLS program, so to speak, although I still hate it, and every walk is a kind of a very slow forced march (I am up to a half of a mile, a couple times a week, weighted down with oxygen) I am getting along well with my daughter Meg, who is 32, and I'm able to do my own errands-like food shopping-by myself again. I am beginning to make tentative plans for how to live after Rene moves out.
Goddess knows, I am trying. But , under it all, my glass still feels half empty, and leaking, and that I wouldn't recognize a full glass if it hit me on the head. I don't like that about me, because I know I miss out on good opportunities. My first response to every new thought, idea or person is always "NO". Then I have to work myself around to the place where I can remind myself how much this was a healthy, self-protective response in childhood, but unhealthy and unnecessary now. This takes time sometimes and I miss out on positive opportunities and changes.
Change still feels as scary as it did when I started this Journal, but I am beginning to realize how much I have changed (yes, often kicking and screaming and crying and whining) since my catastrophic fall on 8/7/93, and that my own inner strength has been tested and none of this has killed me. I'mstill coming to terms with lots of old, stuffed down feelings, but I am keeping up the "act as if" because I cannot imagine that life will not get better, easier, happier at some point. Maybe sooner rather than later. That seems to be a bit of positivity with which to end the day.
Monday, November 21, 2005
I am not someone who leaps into change joyfully, optimistically, excited about all the possibilities ahead. You may have noticed this before, Gentle Readers. I also respond poorly to major controversy, and J-Land has been so rife with it that I've gotten way behind, and am still struggling to catch up. But I will eventually find my friends wherever they are, and comment, because it is important to me.
Yes, I hate the ad's and have written to all the suggested places complaining, threatening, and I have (just barely) reserved a place on Blogspot, but am not ready to learn how to use it yet-I am too discombobulated by real life now.I also hate the loss of the sense of community, and the corporate greed, and my own belief system which assures me corporate AOL doesn't give a damn about us, and will not change.
I am having a hard time right now thinking of something hopeful or positive to say. I am stuck in a dark mind set and unwilling to accept uplifting by those who want to "cheer me up." New beginnings, positive change, the chance to have my house back so I can make it my home again all are too far away to see in this darkness. Each day takes forever to crawl through.
What I see is Rene busily packing her stuff into box after box, and moving it into storage, but there is still no end in sight. No word on her mortgage, no timeframe for being out, just withdrawal and more and more silence or sarcasm from her. I miss her because , even though we can't live together, I still love parts of her a lot.
I understand that she is preparing for the split in her own way. She's looking forward to a brand new condo, and leaving me with the grime of the last few years, when we have both been handicapped and not cleaning house much. I'll have to hire someone to come muck out, but can't do it until she is gone. I am totally stuck.
I know I am not someone who gives up, that I stagger ever onwards with a stupid kind of courage that brooks no stopping. Even when I feelno hope I know I will get through the next month or so, and she will be gone. Then, slowly, I can move on to claim my space and my life back. Until then, life sucks big time.
I hope your life is full of blessings, Margo
Monday, November 14, 2005
The Poconos are as beautiful as always this time of year, and I spent a surprisingly blissful week sleeping in a motel, spending days with my parents and enjoying the freedom from Dr's visits and physical therapy and going to Glenn, my personal trainer. And from Rene.
And, to top the week off, on Saturday I spent most of the day with Becky of Where Life Takes You. It was wonderful. She is easy to talk to, easy to get to know, easy to hang out with, and we talked about everything from children to upbringing( and struggles to escape) to summer vacations. She wanted to have had a place like I had to go to every summer, rather than always going different places. I always felt gypped that we never went anywhere except the Poconos! And beautiful though it is, it seemed boring to me as a teenager who was essentially an outsider. Funny how that is. Now I think it is one of the most beautiful places on earth, off season.
Becky has posted some great pictures, so go take a look. My pictures will get posted sometime after Christmas, maybe, after I find the directions again and relearn all I've forgotten about posting pictures!
My parents are hanging in, thank Goddess. I realize that I treasure them more each year, even as they drive me crazy! Mom had a detached retina in Sept, and then problems, and more surgery, so she is stumbling around one-eyed, dropping things and spilling every cup of coffee she pours. But she's a tough old bird and determined to live more years. Dad has his own routine, which includes reading a lot and watching endless "Law and Orders" on TV, along with football and ice hockey.
The two of them have worked out a cranky, but somehow mutually satisfying way of living together.(After 57 years of at time not so wedded bliss) It seems to involve much taking out and putting in of hearing aids, and complaining behind each other's back, but it works for them. I work hard not to be go between, which was my role in childhood and well into adulthood, too.
One of the things I realized in the Poconos was that I am still capable of moments of happiness. I really hadn't seen how stressful our life here has become since surgery, and more so since Rene decided now was the time to move out. Then, of course, she couldn't just pack up and leave, but had to find a placeand all that entails. I still cry sometimes, but I am also counting the days-she'll be gone by Christmas.
The ironic thing is that we're getting along fine, and we'll probably talk everyday once she's gone, but right now there are boxes everywhere, only a small part of her stuff is packed up, and I am struggling with the anxiety I hardly recognized before I went away because it was/is so much a part of our lives together. Being gone for a week made it much clearer that I really can't start my next life until she's move out.
Meanwhile, I am plugging along with my activities, trying to work my stamina up slowly, and doing okay except for every now and then, when I collapse into my chair and can't move for a few hours. Luckily, those time don't happen all the time now!
I am 254 e-mails behind in my journal reading, but I will catch up eventually, like by Christmas maybe?!? I miss knowing what has been going on, so I'll probably be a bit faster than that.
Monday, November 7, 2005
My parents are doing okay, considering their ages (80 &83) and that they don't relly enjoy each other's company very much-after 57 years of marriage. They compete for my attention, and I try to share it fairly, though each is deaf and it can be a trial. Plus, of course, it is a constant struggle not to revert back to childhood responses.
I see the irony, complaining when I've been blessed with another chance to visit with them. What a contrary creature I can be! I spend the nights at a hotel, because their cabin is not set up for overnight visitors. And I use that time to grow up again, ground myself, and come back smiling and full of love.
I miss having Rene with me here-my parents love her, too,but am working on remembering what it's like to travel alone. It's a mixed bag, but I am doing okay.
I have rigged up Rene's laptop here, but they are sure I'm going to mess up their phone lines for good- they are real technophobe's, who nevertheless manage to have a list of computer related chores for me to do while I'm here! I can't read journals here easily, either, though I do check my e-mail, because they don't want me to be on the phone line too long!
I am hoping to meet a J-Land friend here, and am really excited. I'll leave you guessing for now, but will tell as soon as we manage to connect.
Friday, November 4, 2005
We are getting along well. We were happy to have over 60 Trick-or-Treaters, and had a good time handing out little bags of cheetos, instead of candy, which I didn't want in the house. They went over big, much to our surprise. Kids in the neighborhood were talking about them for days! Who woulda thunk it?
I am leaving to see my parents in the Poconos of PA on Sunday, without Rene. It's a little scary-I have not driven more than an hour or so since last spring, but I have to start doing more for and by myself. Now seems as good a time as any to start. My mom has had two eye surgeries this summer, and is not allowed to fly yet, but they will be heading back to CO mid-December. I am hoping all will be well during the winter and they will be back to PA come spring.
I am meditating and mulling around about my weight, my relationship with food, and with Rene, and how I cannot seem to move onward until she has moved out. Actually, as I write that it seems pretty silly. I am moving-going to the gym, to physical therapy, working to get my protein and fluids in, pushing myself a bit each day. It's just that I cannot see that movement yet, but getting my house in order will be an outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual change-eventually.
Sometime after Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year, I hope. Between now and then, I just plan to keep plodding ahead.
I am behind on reading journals, and not commenting much when I do read, but I still appreciate the support I feel from out there in my small corner of J-land. As I have more time to look at the changes that have happened and are happening in my life, I hope to see more clearly how to respond with growth to the challenges I've been presented.