Saturday, January 29, 2005


Dear Friends,   I did not mean to go away for two weeks and disappear for two months. Nor have I fallen into such a depression that I am unable to get out of bed to crawl to my computer. I have merely sunk into some weird sort of separation/isolation mode which seems to coincide with the increasing of the amount of Neurontin I take daily for peripheral neuropathy.  

 It feels as if I can no longer think clearly enough to put cogent sentences together - this entry is a real strain- and I spend a lot of time sleeping. In fact I can barely keep my head up a lot of the time. Watching TV seems much more soothing than interacting with the world.  

And yet I am forcing myself to keep up with what I feel I have to do. I am going to physical therapy twice a week, to the gym twice a week, and to regular therapy twice a week, once for couple's work with Rene, and once to my own therapist. And once a week I do something with my friend Peggy. This schedule leaves me so exhausted I cannot think straight most of the rest of the time.  

 I am forging ahead medically, however. I have seen the orthopedist who heads the group my old doctor left. I like Dr. M.,unlike his unlamented, now departed partner Dr. K. who did the original surgery on my arm. Dr. M. has recommended I have the rod taken out of my arm because it is impinging on the shoulder, causing inflammation, pain, and perhaps problems with the rotator cuff. He'll also do carpal tunnel surgery on my hand while he has me under anesthesia. 

 Although I am less than thrilled at the idea of more surgery and then still more physical therapy, I thought and meditated about it, spoke to my physical therapists and body worker, Pete, and cried with Rene about the necessity, then finally agreed. Needless to say, Workers' Comp turned me down. Now it is in my attorney's hands and will need to go to a hearing, once more leaving me raging in medical limbo along with increasing shoulder pain.  

Reading all this I am struck by two things. I want to apologize for this long litany of problems, and no wonder I am in full time exhaustion mode- a lot is going on! 

I also want to say that my time with my mother was well worth the energy and anxiety and struggle of the trip. I finally wrote her a long letter, telling her that I wanted her to let go of the guilt she has been carrying around, that she, like me, had done the best she could with what she was given, and I am glad she is my mother. She read the letter in her bedroom, then came out crying, to hug me and say what a gift I had given her. It made up for a lot of the pain of being there to see how unhappy she is with her life, and how she chooses to see the dark side of life, and how much I am like her, but struggling to make different choices.  

I want to thank all of you who have commented and e-mailed and worried about me, and apologize for not responding. Despite my silence, I have missed J-land, and hope to gather enough energy to re-join the community slowly. Isolating myself from those who sustain me is a very old pattern, and I am trying-once again-to find my way back.  

Blessings to all, Margo