I have a date for gastric bypass surgery: July 11,2005. It is hard to believe that after that my stomach will hold only a couple of ounces of food or water at a time, and my life will change as radically as it did after the fall at work on August 7, 2003. Perhaps more radically.
As some of you may have noticed, I am not someone who rushes into change with wild optimism and enthusiasm. My most inner being whispers that change is bad, difficult, painful, dangerous, and I might-no probably will-die. Not from the surgery, you understand, but from the changes brought down upon my head by any big move forward on my part.
In my head I know that I don't die from changes, even major big ones. My experience in the second half of my life is that I actually survive quite nicely. After a period of inner turmoil and strife, I come up with-or am given-images and insights which I use in some unknowable inner process to first cope and then grow. I don't know how or why this works for me, but it does, and I am blessed by the process.
My heart, battered as it is by scars and bypasses, wants to keep on beating so I can continue to look for new ways to grow and change. I want to live and express love by giving it back to the universe in new and different ways.
So I plan to move as serenely as possible into this surgery, accepting the risk and the profound changes it will bring. I will only look a few steps ahead (although I have done my research and know exactly what is ahead of me) lest I panic and freak and fall back into old patterns just when I need new patterns to blossom.