Thursday, January 19, 2006

Dizzy Blond

If this is too hard to read on aol, you can go to   Since my back has gotten no better, I went to the ER yesterday for an X-Ray. Yup, I have a compression fracture of the L 3 vertebra. I fell New Year's Day because I got dizzy.

I have been having dizzy spells when I stand up for a couple of month or so( or more) and a couple of times I have fallen-which isn't as bad as trying to get up from the floor once I am down.

I am always glad no one is around for this maneuver., It involves shuffling on my rear end to a chair, finding a pillow for my knees along the way, then struggling onto my knees,  pulling myself up, with my weak arm screaming for mercy, until I can get my feet under me and push into a semi-standing position. From there I can rise gracefully, as I was taught so many years ago at Shipley School, the all girls finishing school I attended. Miss Spear and Miss Wagner would be proud of the last part of the maneuver, although I suspect they are rolling in their graves at the first part of the enterprise of getting up.

I may have gone off my subject a bit, but they should know that I can still curtsey pretty well (when I am not dizzy) in case I am ever presented to the Queen, and I can descend a sweeping stairs side ways in a ball gown, should that opportunity arise. And to be fair, I can still read Beowulf , which we first studied in 6th grade. Funny how the mind works. Eventually I was sent off to a co-ed Quaker boarding school where I learned how to be a leftist radical hippie, a different story all together.   In case you are were worried, I have seen my doctor, had a 90 minute evaluation for vertigo, and will go back for more sessions, have an appointment with a PA at my orthopedist's office, and am waiting for a call back from my cardiologist in case it is somehow heart related. And to top it off, I see the Eminent Shoulder Doctor on Monday. If he says surgery, I'll have to fit it in somehow. If he says surgery won't help, I am stuck here with my arm and shoulder pain forever, and will have to cope.   I am coping ok without Rene, especially by day. By night I miss her presence in the house, her laughter at the TV drifting in from the other room, her funny comments on the newspaper, that sort of small thing. I still cry sometimes but I know it will get better with time. Saturday four friends and I will have a small  ritual and smudge the house, asking for light and the opportunity for growth to fill the house and each other. My purpose is not to "get rid of Rene", but to allow her good (Light) aspects to stay, and nudge her unhappy( Dark) aspects out. I hope I can still lead powerful, but simple, ritual, something that I stopped doing with Rene in the house.   I cannot sit in a chair very long because of my poor broken back, but I appreciate your comments a lot, and am reading journals slowly, knowing now that I will never catch up, just start again as time goes on.   Blessings, Margo

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Great Start, or Things Can Only Get Better

Well, I wanted to start my New Year on a positive note, so when I finished my morning ablations, I gathered my laundry together, and by 9:15 AM I had the kettle on and my laundry on the back porch, I put the first load in, stepped back, and to my great surprise, kept on going. Step after step backward, until I was no longer stepping, but falling backwards. I landed hard on a folded up rug, but jarred the hell out of myself anyway.

When I got my breath, and moved my extremities to see if I still worked, my immediate thought was, Great way to start the New Year. I will not have this be the symbol for 2006. Then I began to worry about how to get up. Because my right arm is weak, I have a difficult time pushing myself up. and I began to see some of the perils of living alone.

Eventually, I rolled across the cement floor, up a step into the kitchen, grabbing a pair of blue jeans out of the washer to pad my knees, and hauled myself up with the help of a kitchen chair. In considerable pain, but triumphant I retired to my recliner with an ice pack and pain meds, where I spent the rest of the day. I am still in pain 12 days later, but it is getting better very s l o w l y.

I have also had Cheryl-my house cleaner-in and out since before Christmas, but my house is neat enough to invite company over for the first time in years. And so Saturday night I am having 3 friends over to smudge the house, to cleanse it spiritually and psychically, with sage and ritual. The idea is to let Rene go(without malice or anger) and invite new possibilities and opportunities into my house and life.

I am pleased and excited to do this, but cautious about expecting too much too soon. I have finally gotten an appointment with an excellent shoulder Dr. out of Branford-it's taken 6 months and a lot of whining and phone calls and perseverance just to get the appointment, because I am more than one year out from my accident, and workers' comp just wants me to go away.

I have decided that if this eminent Doc says surgery might help, I'll go for that. If he says it probably won't help, I will accept my limitations and stop hoping for some sort of magical fix. I will work on learning to live with the disability and pain. And I'll look around for something else to do in my life.

I guess that is kind of a New Year's Resolution, despite the fact that I don't make such things because they always seem artificial and unrealistic.

I have not been catching up on my journal reading very quickly or in any order-it has hurt too much to sit too long. I'll get back in the swing of things eventually, I think, or else I'll delete everything and start new. I took a 4 month hiatus lasts winter because I became overwhelmed with the amount of reading I had to catch to and comment on. I miss being part of peoples' lives, however, for you are one community I depend on in my life.

Blessings, Margo