Sunday, December 11, 2005

Nearing the End

Rene and I are struggling through what we hope is our last week together. She is scheduled to move Wednesday, the 14th, but some snafu with the closing may push it to later . I alternate between grief and exasperation, as we both try to take the high road during this ending.

I am trusting she is packing only her fair share, and she is working not to hear sarcasm every time I ask her a question about the move. It is difficult and painful for both of us. She has been able to close down more than I can(or want to) so she is not seeing the good things we still have. I cannot stop seeing them, though it is time to move on.

I know that my new life will grow to be better than my life now. I will have room for more altars, more silence, more meditation, more solitude. I am waiting for images to rise from within, symbols to take in and learn from, a new sense of potential to surface.

And I am scared of being lonely, and having to do changes blindly, without knowing where I will be going, or where I will be lead. I'm scared about a lot of things- about money and friends(who will go with Rene, who will stay with me-it's inevitable), of how I'll get the snow off my car(can't shovel-heart condition), of having to purge a lot of stuff, for I know my clutter is bad for me, even of setting up my own routine-it's been 13 years since I lived alone.

But there is no doubt I will make a new life, accept change, even if I can't embrace it with wild enthusiasm. I am glad Winter Solstice is soon, for the re-birth of Light into the world is part of what this change is all about for me, and I plan to honor and cherish the gift of Light this year.

Blessings, Margo


njlittlebear said...

I'm sure it's so difficult.  It does sound like you are looking forward to having your own space.  I hope it all works out for you.


dbaumgartner said...

Hi sweetie.  The fears you have posted are the same fears that I live with.  Our situations are different but the fear remains constant.

The one thing that gets me through are dear friends.  Even if I can exchange a few words with a dear one it helps.  It doesn't solve the problem or cause the fear to dissipate.  It just seems to give me more strength to confront whatever lies ahead.

Hugs, my dear friend.


dklars said...

Margo, hang in there!  You never know what's around the corner, and I have a feeling good things will happen for you.  Time to find your own happiness, even though the process is somewhat painful right now.  Huge hugs!

ryanagi said...

The gift of space and quiet is a precious thing (something that I am currently longing for. ;-)  I think the opportunity for healing and reflection will be a good thing in the long run. BTW Solstice is also John's birthday. Cool, eh? That is a big day of celebration around here too. :-)

csandhollow said...

I will be thinking of you.

loveladylisa1 said...

Parting is such sweet sorrow, but it lays the path for the road ahead, whatever that may bring. I wish you comfort and peace during this difficult time.  May your Solstice be blessed. I can't wait to celebrate next week!

dizzydyke18 said...

Hey Margo,
  I am so sorry about the break up... I too have not kept up on reading journals or even writing journals for some time.... If you ever need to talk just IM me... I'm always up for listening.... Take car eof yourself...

luvmort said...

This sucks!

lamove04 said...

Margo: Sounds like you are very clear-eyed about all this.  I hope that ultimately this is a change for the good.  --Albert