Waiting for the New Year

(First, does anyone know how to get back to a normal format? I hat that it is now so wide, so hard to read. What did In accidentally do? Help!)

I have always thought that it is somehow wrong to wish time away. We are only given so much time on earth and to waste it wishing it were gone is at least a venial sin. But I cannot wait for this day to be over, gone, done, finished, because then 2005 will be over, never to return again.

I know I will still have to deal with the problems and repercussions of 2005 as  we move into 2006, but I can do that. (After all, I am Warrior Woman.) But this year has been worse than 2004, which was worse than 2003, the year I fell and my life spun off in to medical hell.

I have some hope for 2006. My house is clean and clutter free (or will be very soon), I am still losing weight, even as I add a variety of food to my diet . I miss all the good parts of my relationship with Rene terribly. But she  has only to get her stuff out of the basement, and she will be gone, and settled in her own home. (a good thing for her). And now I am free to dream into being the life I need to live. A renewed life of the Spirit. A Life centered around the feminine side of the godhead. A group of women who are also seeking Spirit My own space to become whatever is next.

These are not New Year's resolutions, just what I hope to find to fill my life again, to give me courage to go on with the medical stuff, and confront my inner demons a little at a time. And maybe, in time, find joy again.

I wish you all a Happy New Year, and am reminded of an old friend who always gave up his New Year's Resolutions for Lent,  by which time they were way too burdensome to carry out!

Blessings, Margo

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannakah

I wish you all a Joyful Christmas Day or Happy Hannakah.

I hope your family, biological or adopted, will be celebrating with you!

I pray for peace at thus time of joy over the birth of a Child so many years ago.

a Child born to tach peace and justice and minister to the poor and outcast.

Tomorrrow I will have Meg over for breakfast and present exchange.

Later I will go to Peggy's for a small Christmas dinner, then come home and nap.

It is a  sad time for me, But I am moving ahead and am grateful to God/ess.

May all feel the joy of the season deep in your hearts.

Love and Blessings, Margo

Cleaning House

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               I I am still alive and okay in Southeastern CT. Rene's departure was incredibly painful, and still leaves a big hole in my life, but I am glad she's gone. It feels as if I can breath differently now, live without the pressure we created as our marriage disintegrated. ( Of course, I must point out that despite our Ceremony of Commitment, and  14 years together it was not a "marriage" because gays and lesbians do not have all their civil rights yet, but that is a whole other entry)

I have hired a local maid service-two women- to come in and clean the house. Cheryl and Diane have been working hard for almost 3 days, and all they have finished is the living room and two-thirds of the kitchen! On the other hand the living room, and  kitchen were not this clean when I moved in over 30 years ago! Rene and I petered out on  heavy housework after my accident. Part of me is angry that I have to pay a huge amount of money to catch up, and another part doesn't care if I spend all my savings(which will probably happen)-I am reclaiming my house room by room with their help.

My living room is wonderful, arranged as I want it, clean  and quite uncluttered(for me). I tend to attract clutter, so I'll have to work hard to keep all this up! I feel lighter in that room than I have in years. I am really pleased.

I do have some very dark times, but I am aware that I am waiting for the next part of my life to open up and claim me. It will take time, and winter is not an optimistic time for me, but I will make it through-Warrior Woman just keeps moving onwards, dragging me with her!

I am now over 300 e-mail journal entries behind- I am still dragging my exhaused self around to too many places, and purging stuff when I can, and struggling to get enough protein and water in. Collapsing in front of the boob tube to tune out the world has become my escape, but I will catch up, and I do like to comment at least some, so be patient with me.

I really can feel the care and concern that many of you have for me, and appreciate the thoughts, prayers and energy you send my way. I feel very blessed by my online friends-Thank you.

Happy Winter Solstice, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa to all and everyone!

Blessings, Margo

Life Changed Today

Rene moved out today. We had been together 13 years and 11 months. She still has to come back and get Miya(her Chihuahua), tonight, she said, and a whole bunch of stuff that didn't fit in the moving van. She will need to bring help-her brother and sister-in-law, whom I have grown to love over the years, and a few others. That will be next week.

I haven't cried much yet, but the tears will come, because despite it all, I still love her. And I am both sorry and glad she's gone. Odd how emotions are tangled together, and you can flow from one to another in a nanosecond. I'm angry at her, grateful to her, terribly sad, and quite relieved. And I miss her terribly already.

Still, the house feels suddenly, wonderfully larger, and I will have space to put up more altars, to move furniture around, to smudge, and do ritual and live my own life. There is a very painful bitter sweetness about it all.

I am over 200 journal entries behind, and will let myself catch up slowly, but I hope you all are having a sane and healthy season, and that your Christmas, Hanukkah, Winter Solstice, Kwanzaa, and any celebration I've left out is joyful.

Blessings, Margo

Nearing the End

Rene and I are struggling through what we hope is our last week together. She is scheduled to move Wednesday, the 14th, but some snafu with the closing may push it to later . I alternate between grief and exasperation, as we both try to take the high road during this ending.

I am trusting she is packing only her fair share, and she is working not to hear sarcasm every time I ask her a question about the move. It is difficult and painful for both of us. She has been able to close down more than I can(or want to) so she is not seeing the good things we still have. I cannot stop seeing them, though it is time to move on.

I know that my new life will grow to be better than my life now. I will have room for more altars, more silence, more meditation, more solitude. I am waiting for images to rise from within, symbols to take in and learn from, a new sense of potential to surface.

And I am scared of being lonely, and having to do changes blindly, without knowing where I will be going, or where I will be lead. I'm scared about a lot of things- about money and friends(who will go with Rene, who will stay with me-it's inevitable), of how I'll get the snow off my car(can't shovel-heart condition), of having to purge a lot of stuff, for I know my clutter is bad for me, even of setting up my own routine-it's been 13 years since I lived alone.

But there is no doubt I will make a new life, accept change, even if I can't embrace it with wild enthusiasm. I am glad Winter Solstice is soon, for the re-birth of Light into the world is part of what this change is all about for me, and I plan to honor and cherish the gift of Light this year.

Blessings, Margo

Still Alive and Waiting

I haven't written much lately, because there is nothing new to write about, and I don't want to fall into one long whine. Rene is still here, busily packing box after box after box, and even though her loan came through nobody seems to know when closing-and hence moving-day will be.

I am still stuck waiting for her to leave before I can do the grieving necessary to move on. I try hard not to take the low road and argue or snipe at her, but I struggle with it. I know the higher road will leave me happier in the end, and her, too.

I am still hoping she'll be gone by Christmas. Meg and my friend Peggy and I will get together for a couple of hours, and I will low key the rest of the day. I am going to put the tree up, with just lights and icicles, but that will probably be the extent of my Christmas decorating. These decisions have helped me, because I do not have the energy to get caught in the Christmas Chaos which rages in the outside world today.

This is one time of year I am sorry not to be a believing Christian anymore-I used to enjoy Advent and the religious aspects leading up to Christ's birth. I will have a small solitary Winter Solstice ritual, and am looking forward to that.

Phew! I am exhausted trying to be optimistic under these circumstances! Had to laugh(eventually) at one of my Dr's nurses. She was trying to cheer me up and told me she believed one only needed three out of four things in life to be happy. The four things were:

1) a good relationship
2) enough money to live on
3) a job one liked at least some of the time
4) one's health

I looked her straight in the face and took the low road.
"Gee, I said," I cannot claim even one out of the four."
Her face fell, and she mumbled something about the doctor being right in, and fled. For a few minutes I was bummed, then I began to see the funny side of it. She probably uses that explanation to cheer lots of patients up, and I'm probably the first one on whom it completely backfired

Despite it all, I am doing okay, and will survive Rene's departure and the Holiday Season. I am hoping that the people I care about will have a joyous season, full of friends and family and good food, and the blessing of the Christ Child who brings Light into the world, and peace, too.

Blessings, Margo

PS You can also find me at http://magogosmusing.blogspot.com/

World AIDS Day

Today we mark the 18th World AIDS day.  HIV/AIDS is a global pandemic that has killed more than 25 million people, and infected 40 million people, mostly in developing nations. Bare facts, to be read, to pause momentarily over, feeling sad for a few moments before we move on to what ever's next.

But HIV/AIDS has changed the world in terrible ways, but(oddly enough) in good ways too. We have learned so much about viruses, we can talk more openly about protection from STD's, we have a whole new arsenal of medications, and .because our government took so long to respond, the Gay Men's Crisis formed, began protesting and demanding, which eventually pulled the GLBT movement out of the closet and onto the streets. This has affected how I live my life.

There is still, however, so much ignorance and fear and prejudice around HIV/AIDS that the distance we have come is not nearly enough. A neighbor said to me yesterday, "But things are better now, they've got these good drugs it's not as big a deal any more." I hear that more and more lately, and it infuriates me. I try hard to take a deep breath lest I launch into an angry monologue.

You see, I used to be an HIV Counselor and Educator first for a Woman's Health Clinic, then for the Department of Corrections, and while that life may be over, the passion burns as brightly as ever.

I want to point out the miracle of the multiple medications is wonderful, but they are not a cure. They are complex, cause  horrendous side effects, and must be taken on an inflexible schedule or the virus will mutate and re-attack harder. I want to say, how would you like to be chronically ill, exhausted, usually poor, and have to take public transportation to dozens of Dr's appointments and clinics, struggle to take 6 or 12 or 20 pills a day each at the correct time, and still have time for a life.

I want to say, most in the developing world who are positive have no meds available at all. They just sicken and die, slowly, worn out, like the generation of gay men we watched die in the 80's, often alone and untended. And most those in developing countries do not have access to condoms, or even honest information, and some of this is because of the policies of our United States Government. Often pregnant women have no access to even the small amount of medication which could raise the odds of having an HIV- baby.

I want to say, we are all in denial-even myself, because I had a blood transfusion last year and "haven't gotten around" to testing, because I know how safe our blood supply is. (It is safe, but not 100%) I want to go out and scream "Stupid" at the younger gay generation who are doing meth and bug chasing, because "so many are positive, I might as well be too" They, too, will lose their generation, only slower, and so much more expensively. And berate the heterosexuals and lesbians who think they are low risk or immune, especially those who are not in a truly monogamous relationship.

I weep for the number of women, especially black and Hispanic women, who are contracting HIV faster than any other segment-often because their boyfriend does drugs, or their lives are so difficult drugs seem like a way out of pain. And  I am enraged at our government which treats drug addicts as criminals, and would rather spend our taxes on an unwinnable war, or "just say no" and "abstinence only" campaigns, than on programs that really educate. Or or studies of better ways to treat drug addiction.

I could go on. I think about the HIV+ women I know in prison and miss them -and my work-so deeply. I miss some who have died, and worry about friends who are positive.

I gave pieces of this information to my neighbor, only calmly, factually, leaving the government's role in the spread of AIDS out entirely, so she could hear me, and she thanked me, said I must have been a good teacher because she learned a lot.  I thanked her back, and walked home knowing that I still am a good teacher.

And perhaps that's the piece I can do for World AIDS Day all year long, recognize my anger and frustration at the existence of the disease, and the apathy of not only ours, but many governments, and keep on dropping  pieces of education whenever possible in my daily life. Until I can find my way back to serving the community in some way or other.

Blessings, Margo