Friday, July 22, 2005

Eleven Days Post-Op

For the last week I have been living and healing, way too slowly, in Southeastern CT. I am still having more pain than I expected. but have enough meds to cope. I am still trying to work up to the amount of liquids I must ingest, but am getting slightly closer each day. And ten days after surgery, I am still trying to figure out what the hell I've done to my life, and have decided I still have no clue.  

Warrior Woman was extremely useful to me while I was hospitalized. I called upon her energy and spirit when I needed to and I am very proud that I was not a patient patient who suffered in victimized silence, nor was I an inconsiderate bitch. I handled the situation fairly well, and am grateful for WW's courage, so available when I needed her.  

Now Warrior Woman has hung her axe up over the mantle, folded her robes around her, and settled back into my psyche. I am left feeling stuck in my recliner, and in my new life, without the next image necessary for movement forward. I am not worried. I know a new image or concept will rise from deep inside me, will arrive from somewhere outside me, will emerge from somewhere. These interim times are very trying, however.  

I am overwhelmed by the unknown (Have I recently mentioned I struggle with change?). I don't yet know how Rene and I will work out meals. Right now she is quietly making and eating food as inconspicuously as possible, but not secretly. I stomped up one side of her, danced on her head, then stomped down the other side when she told me she'd eaten at MacD's. And I had asked her where she ate. Plus I don't even like their food. Overreaction, perhaps?  

Acquaintances called to say they were too busy to drop by, but suggested "doing lunch" soon, and I quietly put them off, then slammed down the phone( after I was sure they had hung up) and screamed what part of loseing 150 lbs did they miss? I won't be "doing lunch" with them again, if they are too busy to support me now, when I need support. Moody, perhaps?  

The truth is that I have to change to accommodate the world. Just because I had my stomach made into a pouch the size of my Chihuahua's brain doesn't mean I should expect the world to stop doing food just for me. Rene will eatout without me until I can go along and nibble something. Acquaintances and even close friends will forget and ask me to meals for which I am not yet emotionally prepared. And I will rage and cry and struggle and still put on a smiling face when well meaning people ask how I'm doing. A few real friends get the truth, of course. I'm doing shitty day by day, but okay overall.  

My whole world has revolved around an unhealthy relationship with food. It would be a little much to expect to form a newer, more healthy one without trauma and struggle and mourning and self-pity and rage and hopelessness, tempered by no more than a pinch of earnestness, a golf-ball size stomach pouch, and the eternal sipping, sipping, sipping of ice water. But I am working at it.  

Blessings, Margo  


dbaumgartner said...

I have no words that can soothe what you are feeling.  However, there is more power in touch and a look that there are in words.  So, I send you my most sincere and heartfelt hug just for you!  I hope you can feel it and draw a bit of support from it as well.

blondepennierae said...

Dhange is scary and difficult.  You are undergoing a HUGE change.  Things will fall into place as you slowly adjust.  You are dealing with the new and the painful at the moment.  If you get 'testy' surely everyone will understand.  You are sooooo strong and that strength will carry you.   Love and blessings, Pennie

kissofvanity said...

Can't say i've been where you are, cause i haven't.  But i have walked through the fire, as you are doing now.  If i could be there i'd give you a soft hug and whisper to you, 'be gentle with yourself'.    {{{{Margo}}}}


ryanagi said...

"My whole world has revolved around an unhealthy relationship with food."

That's the crux of it. One of the biggest things that scares me about this surgery is ... with all the time I spend either eating, or thinking about eating, or planning what to eat, or fantasizing about something I would like to taste or try... all that time. What will I do with all that time if my ability to eat is taken away?

It's like that old philosophical question, which would you rather lose, your sight or your hearing. I rank eating right up there with looking at art, reading a good novel, listening to classical music, hearing the sound of my child's's all woven together into what, in my mind, equals "joy in living".

So the question remains. What do you do with all that time? I guess here is where the other senses get to kick in. Do more with the eyes and ears, perhaps. Keeping busy and finding new ways to enjoy the will get easier as you get smaller. Think about all the new things you will be able to do when you are thin and healthy! That's an exciting thought to me.

bosoxblue6993w said...

there's an old cartoon   Some dude has a giant spear in his gut.

His companion asks, "does it hurt?'

"ONLY WHEN I LAUGH," he replies

indigosunmoon said...

I am one month out, and doing great now!  You will be too babe!
I remember feeling exactly like you are...not knowing what I'd
done to myself...or why in hell I did it!  But each day it got a little
better..and now I can actually eat little bits of food.  You will be
eating much smaller meals babe,  but you will be eating.
This first phase doesn't last forever.
I'm in your corner warrior woman!!!

lrttklly said...

Wow, Margo,
You are a warrior woman!
The journey of one thousand miles begins with one step.
I know how hard it is to have people ask you to do something social without thinking how frustrating that can be for you. It feels like they are oblivious to your current suffering. IMO people don't want to be unfriendly, and they also are completely clueless to how difficult everything is now for you.
You are really going to learn who your friends are.
Prayers for you and Rene as you all adjust.
Losing the food you have loved so much must be like losing a lover that you were not ready to let go of.

judithheartsong said...

you have been through a life altering experience and it is A OK if you feel a little bitchy! I am proud of you and know that you will find they way. Hang in there, and let me know if you want me to punch somebody in the nose. xoxoxoxoxoxo, judi

cyndygee said...

You are in mourning for the old YOU, the YOU that had the love affair with food.  The new YOU hasn't decided what she's going to do with the extra time, what kind of hobby, interests are going to motivate her . . .  so much that she won't miss the food that's gone from her daily routine.

You will find a new love and you will live longer and you will be healther and you will look good in your clothes!  I'm not psychic, but I counseled people on weight management for many years . . .  you will be HAPPY, you will be STRONG, . . .  and you will be so glad you made this drastic change!

I celebrate your NEW LIFE!!!

hestiahomeschool said...

You are so brave.  I am proud of you.

csandhollow said...

My best friend now enjoys eatting out again. She shares her meal with her hubby. It will get better. Rant on!

hestiahomeschool said...

Thank you so much for visiting Tabby's journal!!!

dbaumgartner said...

I agree with Cyndygee.  Your old self was "what was."  You are still in the process of discovering "what is."  You are doing a tremendous job and you still have strength deep inside that will carry you through.

Hugs my friend,