Saturday, September 4, 2004

Inching along

Well, this has been a difficult week. My doctors’ appointments were not helpful, my shoulder still hurts despite the cortisone shot, which has caused an on and off low grade fever. My wrist, which my soon- to- be-gone orthopedist says has only mild carpal tunnel changes, has been worse, and I’ve been fighting with both Rene and Meg, my daughter.

 

Life sucks, and then you die, as a college friend of mine used to say.

 

Depression-I’ve suffered from it my whole life. Mine is the kind with rumination. Off meds, I spend an inordinate amount of time going over and over negative scenarios in my head, replaying dialogue endlessly, nursing black anger, while my anxiety level rises until it leaks out my ears and I blow up over a nothing comment from some poor unsuspecting family member. It is not a pretty sight, nor a nurturing way to live. I stay on my meds very carefully.

 

The earliest memory of depression/anxiety was when I was only 6 or 7, unable to sleep at night, waiting for the fire sirens to herald the end of the world in a nuclear holocaust. I knew by then that duck and cover wasn’t going to cut it if the Russians let their bombs fly. Another bout hit in boarding school, when I was 15 or so. Their solution was to send me home for a mono test. When that was negative, I was sent back to live in hopelessness for the rest of the year. I had no clue why I felt so sad and lost- I just kept stuffing thought of suicide down and muddled onward.

 

Now I can trace depression back through the women in my family to my great grandmother, who was born in the 1860’s. My maternal grandmother, my mother, me, my sister, her son, probably Meg, as well, all struggling with the dark clouds which roll in and take over and then, eventually, lift and move farther away. Alas, the time frame between onset and lifting can be months or even years. My experience of the worst depression is that of being at the bottom of a deep, dank well, up to my neck in cold, dark water, looking ‘way, ’way up to the small hole at the top with grey clouds scuttling by in a dark sky. I have spent more time than I care to admit down there.

 

I do not have to go there anymore-thanks to meds and good therapists over the years- but every time I go into a decline of sorts, I harbor a lingering fear that this will be the time I descend and am unable to rise.

 

There have been a lot of declines this last year, and some real periods of darkness to crawl through. This seems to be one of them.  But crawl I do. I can’t quite figure out where my tenacity comes from. Maybe this is all part of the changes I say I want to embrace. I will get up no matter how many times it is necessary. I will return to physical therapy, no matter how much it hurts, no matter what my insurance company says. I will demand a diagnosis from doctor after doctor until I get one. I will go back on my diet and lose weight. I will go into counseling with Rene (something we’ve been planning to do since spring).

 

Lots of good resolutions, but change is more than resolutions, it’s doing the damned things I natter on about. And I am soooooo tired of hauling my large bod uphill on two knees and one arm. I will, of course. What kind of options do I have? Sitting on my dung heap and cursing god is way too christian for me. A lot of this came to me the other night after I dragged my bed across the room so I could take a moonbath. I lay basking in Her light and realized that while I want to leap and dance while embracing change, I seem to be grumping and whining my way along this path I choose to take. But I am still inching forward. For this I thank Goddess.

 

Thank you all for listening.

 

Blessings, Margo

 

Pic from: lynativerse.artchicks.org/ School.htm

10 comments:

jeanno43 said...

Hang on in there my friend. I have been through a lot of what you experience, still am.  But we have to keep going.  
Somehow we find the strength even if we are dog tired mentally and physically. My prayers are with you.  God bless. Oh, taking a moonbath sounds lovely, I shall have to try it.

momdadat447 said...

Margo Bless You :)  I feel so bad for you and all the pain your in, may I ask a Question what meds do they have you on? I only ask because of being worried, I am a recovering drug addict and I got hooked on pain killers and anixety meds. I am on a program called Methadone and I feel 1000% better. All the pain I had before , that the pain killers wouldn't even stop I dont feel anymore. So as for that part of my life its Great Thank Goodness!!!!! I hope your daughter doesn't have depression because like you said I to can trace it back trough my family, it is passed down from one parent to a child, it;'s so sad but I believe my 12 yr old son has a touch and I just dont know what to do. Well I will stop rambling this is your journal and I am babbbling on Sorry :) (((((((((HUGS TO YOU)))))))) ~~Angela~~

blondepennierae said...

Margo, you are such a beautiful human being.  I feel so priveledged to be allowed to share your writings.  Depression is hard enough to deal with without adding your recent physical dilemma.   Your words show that you have the determination and resolve to continue the uphill battle.  Take care of yourself.  You are special.  Pennie

fjrav said...

Margo, you are such a sweet woman.  You always take the time to write a comment in my journal whenever I post so I decided to come check yours out and you are truly a woman of strength, endurance, and integrity.  I hope that all your medical problems will one day be managed sufficiently.  I wish you all the best.

JFleming

poetmom1968 said...

That familiar dark abyss.  Depression runs in my family also.  You are a fighter and that's what keeps you from being swallowed up in the abyss.:)  Though you feel like you're at the bottom, you inspire.  Your moonbath sounded so sweet and heavenly.  It proves you take good care of yourself.
Hang in there!
Steph

yorksrose04 said...

Hi Margo, i too want to thank you for always taking the time to add comments to my journal. Im sorry your still feeling so rough, depression, its a mine field.

I have fought and battled with authorities to get my daughter the right treatment.
After constantly being told shes just psycologically disturbed. Her gp the only one listening to me. Everyone putting it down to me being over protective. To the point we had to go to a councilling session, "to break the bond between us" her depression, locks her in silence.& as she wont speak, they say shes being stubborn.

At last her Gp found a med that is working, & oh god the relief. She has found a therapist that she trusts. So it looks good for her.

But it does run in familys & appears to effect the females mostly.
Gosh i have gone on here, and here i should be wishing you well.
Take care of yourself Margo, keep up the things that make yu smile, that fill you with the wonder of life.Soon i hope the pain meds will work for you.
A moonbath, ive never heard of that lol, but ill give it a try.
Yorks-rose

lamove04 said...

Hi Margo: so sorry to read about your struggles with depression, as you know, I can relate!  #1, thank God/dess for meds... they are miraculous, IMO, even if finding the right ones to work consistently can be difficult.  I get the sense that your tenacity helps with your health problems-- you ARE a survivor!  Take care, Albert

judithheartsong said...

I am thinking of you, my new friend! many gentle hugs..... loved the "moonbath"...... judi

wldconnie said...

I had no idea you had so much trouble with depression Margo. I can relate ,mine started with post-natal depression with my first child in 1968 and I have had several bouts since but not for a long time now. We seem to have a lot in common with injury causing pain etc. Thank you for managing to leave comments on my journal despite obvious problems of your own. Keep smiling Margo. Love Conniex

ksquester said...

Your descriptions of depression are so accurate. Been there and felt that way. Thank God for medicine. I even have to carefully manage that too. I am so glad that I am reading your journal.  Anne