I know that a positive attitude makes life better, helps one live longer, more joyfully, attracts good stuff( like good karma) into one's life. I know that seeing the glass half full is healthier than seeing it half empty, that reaching forward in anticipation is as important as exercise for wholeness and happiness. I know that change is inevitable, and needs to be embraced and celebrated and maybe even enjoyed. I know that many people embrace the "fake it till you make it" school of living and flow forward with their lives quite well.
I know all this in my head, and believe it to be true. It's just that I can't seem to live it, yet, because my heart or soul or guts or some part of me hasn't caught up yet. The best I can do is act as if what I am doing(physical therapy, working out with Glenn, my trainer, going to a whole lot of counseling, from nutritional to psychological, keeping every Dr's appointment scrupulously, choosing not to fight with Rene)is actually going to lead me somewhere I need to be. Some days I believe this, others I can't.
But I am doing well in some areas. Since April I have lost 117 pounds, 98 of them since surgery, on 7/11/05. I continue to work the WLS program, so to speak, although I still hate it, and every walk is a kind of a very slow forced march (I am up to a half of a mile, a couple times a week, weighted down with oxygen) I am getting along well with my daughter Meg, who is 32, and I'm able to do my own errands-like food shopping-by myself again. I am beginning to make tentative plans for how to live after Rene moves out.
Goddess knows, I am trying. But , under it all, my glass still feels half empty, and leaking, and that I wouldn't recognize a full glass if it hit me on the head. I don't like that about me, because I know I miss out on good opportunities. My first response to every new thought, idea or person is always "NO". Then I have to work myself around to the place where I can remind myself how much this was a healthy, self-protective response in childhood, but unhealthy and unnecessary now. This takes time sometimes and I miss out on positive opportunities and changes.
Change still feels as scary as it did when I started this Journal, but I am beginning to realize how much I have changed (yes, often kicking and screaming and crying and whining) since my catastrophic fall on 8/7/93, and that my own inner strength has been tested and none of this has killed me. I'mstill coming to terms with lots of old, stuffed down feelings, but I am keeping up the "act as if" because I cannot imagine that life will not get better, easier, happier at some point. Maybe sooner rather than later. That seems to be a bit of positivity with which to end the day.
Blessings, Margo
10 comments:
Margo, You have made remarkable progress. When you try to measure it on a daily basis, it doesn't have the impact it does, when you can stand back and take a look. I am PROUD of you!!!!! ANNE
I think, considering all that has happened recently, you are doing just fine! I look at it this way...you and I have been given the gift of time. You via disability. Me via getting laid off and decided to stay a homemaker. Sure, we loved our jobs. But now we've escaped the daily rat race that ties most of the rest of the planet down each day. True that too much time on your hands can weigh you down with thoughts of endless hours to occupy... but that is the challenge. Finding something to do with that gift of time. Laundry? No. Eating? NO. Nice walks? Yes! Chats with online friends? Yes! Writing in our journals and sharing our frailties and pain with people who are understanding and supportive? YES! Now...I just need to figure out what to do with the REST of the hours in the day while Ty is at school. John thinks I should go work out at Curves. Um...yeah. That's an idea. LOL I could clean house. Or I could call someone else in to do it. LOL that sounds like a better idea. I think I'll just head over to the bookstore once a week to just sit and read. Take my camera out and find interesting things to shoot. Maybe I need a new hobby. I should learn to sew. Just think of the money I'll save doing my own alterations when I finally DO start losing weight. ;-) OK. It's late and I'm babbling. Time for bed. Sleeping is a great way to pass the time too.
Margo, you are a woman of incredible strength and beauty. The higher you climb this hill the lovelier the view will become. Keep on climbing, my friend. We are here to lend a hand if you need a bit of help to reach the next step.
Deb
Just remember that things can only get better, not worse. Positive attitude helps so much, and it looks like you are finding your positivity! ~~Kath~~
You really spoke to my heart in this entry. I have been struggling with depression since I learned about the hysterectomy and Mandy being molested, and now the kittens both dying.....but I do know that I can't surrender to it. I need to keep my positive attitude...things will get better. Shelby has surgery in a few hours. I couldn't sleep...
I hear you loud & clear. I think you are doing amazingly well and I'm always looking forward to see how your life will unfold. Something tells me it's going to be marvelous...
Margo reading this made me think of the difference between my mother and myself. She ALWAYS saw the glass half full, I tended to see the glass as another obstacle that I had to overcome. She used to laugh at life while I watched her and shook my head. But we both ended in laughter at the end of the day. And that is how I see this beautiful entry you have made. You will end with the laughter bubbling out of the half full glass after you have climbed over the obstacles. Thank you for this. I loved it. Pennie
Margo, what if you gave yourself some time to grieve? Like setting a date when you will seriously attempt happiness...say March 1. You are really beating yourself up for grieving. Let go and just be where you are. You are taking the actions that need to be taken, so give your emotional self time to catch up. Who gives a shit if people think you are depressed or in self-pity! It's not their journey! Congrats on your weight loss. I have been curious about it. love yourself! love, christa
Margo,
I often wonder how a person can take
on a positive attitude when deep down
in the deepest part of ones self they
just dont feel it.
I am there today. Lost, not knowing
which way to go. Not knowing my
butthole from my elbow so to speak.
Sending you gentle loving hugs,
Connie
I hate change. I know it is a part of life. I know I should embrass it, but I do wish some things would just stay the same!
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