I wish I could be hiding in my bed, Roxy, my Chihuahua, beside me, with the covers over my head, eating ice cream and Cheese Doodles. Messy, but soothing. Both bed and food are escape places for me, and only sheer grit and willpower are keeping me from staying in bed for the next month or so. Surgery seems to have solved the run for food problem for the moment, but only because I hate to throw up. Otherwise I'd be eating.
I am not someone who leaps into change joyfully, optimistically, excited about all the possibilities ahead. You may have noticed this before, Gentle Readers. I also respond poorly to major controversy, and J-Land has been so rife with it that I've gotten way behind, and am still struggling to catch up. But I will eventually find my friends wherever they are, and comment, because it is important to me.
Yes, I hate the ad's and have written to all the suggested places complaining, threatening, and I have (just barely) reserved a place on Blogspot, but am not ready to learn how to use it yet-I am too discombobulated by real life now.I also hate the loss of the sense of community, and the corporate greed, and my own belief system which assures me corporate AOL doesn't give a damn about us, and will not change.
I am having a hard time right now thinking of something hopeful or positive to say. I am stuck in a dark mind set and unwilling to accept uplifting by those who want to "cheer me up." New beginnings, positive change, the chance to have my house back so I can make it my home again all are too far away to see in this darkness. Each day takes forever to crawl through.
What I see is Rene busily packing her stuff into box after box, and moving it into storage, but there is still no end in sight. No word on her mortgage, no timeframe for being out, just withdrawal and more and more silence or sarcasm from her. I miss her because , even though we can't live together, I still love parts of her a lot.
I understand that she is preparing for the split in her own way. She's looking forward to a brand new condo, and leaving me with the grime of the last few years, when we have both been handicapped and not cleaning house much. I'll have to hire someone to come muck out, but can't do it until she is gone. I am totally stuck.
I know I am not someone who gives up, that I stagger ever onwards with a stupid kind of courage that brooks no stopping. Even when I feelno hope I know I will get through the next month or so, and she will be gone. Then, slowly, I can move on to claim my space and my life back. Until then, life sucks big time.
I hope your life is full of blessings, Margo