Monday, November 21, 2005

Struggling

I wish I could be hiding in my bed, Roxy, my Chihuahua, beside me, with the covers over my head, eating ice cream and Cheese Doodles. Messy, but soothing.  Both bed and food are escape places for me, and only sheer grit and  willpower are keeping me from staying in bed for the next month or so. Surgery seems to have solved the run for food problem for the moment, but only because I hate to throw up. Otherwise I'd be eating.

I am not someone who leaps into change joyfully, optimistically, excited about all the possibilities ahead. You may have noticed this before, Gentle Readers. I also respond poorly to  major controversy, and J-Land has been so rife with it that I've  gotten way behind, and am still struggling to catch up. But I will eventually find my friends wherever they are, and comment, because it is important to me.

Yes, I hate the ad's and have written to all the suggested places complaining, threatening, and I have (just barely) reserved a place on Blogspot, but am not ready to learn how to use it yet-I am too discombobulated by real life now.I also hate the loss of the sense of community, and the corporate greed, and my own belief system which assures me corporate AOL doesn't give a damn about us, and will not change.

I am having a hard time right now thinking of something hopeful or positive to say. I am stuck in a dark mind set and unwilling to accept uplifting by those who want to "cheer me up." New beginnings, positive change, the chance to have my house back so I can make it my home again all are too far away to see in this darkness. Each day takes forever to crawl through.

What I see is Rene busily packing her stuff into box after box, and moving it into storage, but there is still no end in sight. No word on her mortgage, no timeframe for being out, just withdrawal and more and more silence or sarcasm from her. I miss her because , even though we can't live together, I still love parts of her a lot.

I understand that she is preparing for the split in her own way. She's looking forward to a brand new condo, and leaving me with the grime of the last few years, when we have both been handicapped and not cleaning house much. I'll have to hire someone to come muck out, but can't do it until she is gone. I am totally stuck.

I know I am not someone who gives up, that I stagger ever onwards with a stupid kind of courage that brooks no stopping. Even when I feelno hope I know I will get through the next month or so,  and she will be gone. Then, slowly, I can move on to claim my space and my life back. Until then, life sucks big time.

I hope your life is full of blessings, Margo

17 comments:

dklars said...

It's a time of turmoil for you.  I will be sending up some prayers for strength for you, so you can get through this difficult time.  God Bless
~~Kath~~

luvmort said...

The daily act of working through something like this is exactly what you need. You will sort out your feelings along with everything else and at the end, all will be for the effort.

makemarc said...

1) I have decided to accept tolerate the ads just as I tolerate them on TV. This is how AOL makes their money and part of the price we pay for living in a free enterprise system. Much less stressful to accept them than to get irritated.
2) I thought for a second you mean "Jesusland" by J-land!  I haven't tried Blogspot, but I have found a community with the AOL Journalers that I haven't found elsewhere.
3) Girl, you need a support group of real live people! Have you tried Overeaters Anonymous or Alanon? (No I know Rene might not be a drinker, but trust me, her relationship to food qualifies, trust me). I'm a big booster of 12-step programs, and I speak from experience.

bosoxblue6993w said...

REAL LIFE is much more daunting than the crap on this VIRTUAL LIFE.    Oor thoughts and prayers are with you, Margo

donah42 said...

I wish I lived close enough to come over!

ryanagi said...

Oh...and here's my new spot:
http://ryanagi.blogspot.com

ryanagi said...

Hang in there, Margo. We'll have to hit the casino together after the holidays are past. Right now I should be cleaning. I am SO not a cleaner...but I'll never hear the end of it from my parents if I don't get ready for their visit. I am totally procrastinating right now...being online and not working. LOL We are taking Tyler to the Poconos for his birthday. The new Great Wolf Lodge. They have an indoor water park. Should be fun. You know how much I love parading around in a swim suit. ;-)

christapaz said...

Margo, you are in exactly the emotional place you need to be in order to get to the next place you are supposed to be. I truly believe that extreme emotional difficulties are the way we grow, but the problem is people always try to go around a difficulty like that. You are bravely traveling through the pain. If you weren't down and out after all you've been through, you would be a robot. I'm glad Roxy is there with you! love, christa

indigosunmoon said...

Margo,
I hate change too...more than anything.  I absolutely hate it!!
So, I know exactly how you feel.  I have faith though that once
Rene gets all her things out, and you get the house cleaned,
that you will feel better about things.
You will be able to put stuff where YOU want to put it.
You can leave the dishes in the sink if you want.
You can buy whatever kind of soap and shampoo you like.
And nobody will be able to say a damn thing!
Your gonna make it warrior woman!!!
Lovish!
Connie

dbaumgartner said...

I understand about change. I am the same way.

But, my dear gentle friend, I believe that once you make it to the point where Rene is gone you will regenerate.  You will find your spirit and it will rebuild and soar once again.

Hugs my dear friend!!!

Deb

jouell3935 said...

Transitions.
That flux of the moments. A feeling of being perpetuously stuck in that middle ground, looking back and then forward.
Happy, lost, mad.
I wish I had the right words, that would leave you feeling comforted. Peaceful...
The future is good, I do know this. And although now, sucks, tomorrow will bring new...just have to find it and embrace it.

Whatever you maybe feeling or how that outlook is NOW, I offer my ear.

I hope your holiday was filled with some peace and comfort Margo. A tough transition, I know. Yet I pray that somewhere in your day, you had some comfort!

Peace
Jodi

cyndygee said...

All my life I've heard about "the path of least resistence."  It's a path each of us CAN travel and make it to the destination, but taking the easy way does not lead to a more open contented existence.  It leads to NOT feeling good about ourselves and our self control.

Your journey is a slow arduous one . . .   giving up what usually makes you happiest.  It is taking the path of greater resistence in order to be the very BEST Margo you can be.  When you finish this journey, you'll feel good just waking up in the morning, you'll feel good talking with friends, you'll feel so good about gaining greater self control.  You will have accomplished SO much!

I have developed an affection for you and want so badly for you to live a satisfying life.  I appreciate your kind comments and I see glimpses of a very kind special heart.  FOR NOW, you have to take baby steps.  You are going THROUGH the process, not trying to take the path of least resisence, but going for an open happy existence.  YOU ARE WORKING FOR SUCCESS!   You are inspiring . . .  may you begin to find greater happiness and personal peace by the end of this holiday season.
               Thinking of you,
                                    Cyndy

njlittlebear said...

Ice Cream and Cheese Doodles always make me smile.  Hang in there things will work out...Change sucks !!  Always sending you good thoughts.

NJLB
http://journals.aol.com/njlittlebear/MyBigFatGeekLife

shaz19743 said...

Margo , thanks for your comments on my journal .
Im going to get up to speed with your journal in the next few days ...hate commenting till ive read someones life properly and feel i at least know them enough to be of use so i'll read up and i'll be back but meanwhile i know the pain of moving on even when you dont want to but have to and i really hope your pain lessens one day soon x

blondepennierae said...

Margo we are much alike.  I understand so much of what you are feeling.  Know that we are here for you.  Even though we don't live near one another I feel very close to you.  Pennie

lamove04 said...

(((Margo)))) sounds like a pretty difficult time of transistion.  Boy, do I knwo what it's like to live with years of grime.  I couldn't attack mine until I was dismantling everything to move.

Will look for you on Blogspot... nice to get your comment!  --Albert

csandhollow said...

My daughter's boss was going thru the same thing. Finally she said no more and hired someone to pack and move her. Break ups are messy no matter how "good" they are. I will be think ing of you.