I know that a positive attitude makes life better, helps one live longer, more joyfully, attracts good stuff( like good karma) into one's life. I know that seeing the glass half full is healthier than seeing it half empty, that reaching forward in anticipation is as important as exercise for wholeness and happiness. I know that change is inevitable, and needs to be embraced and celebrated and maybe even enjoyed. I know that many people embrace the "fake it till you make it" school of living and flow forward with their lives quite well.
I know all this in my head, and believe it to be true. It's just that I can't seem to live it, yet, because my heart or soul or guts or some part of me hasn't caught up yet. The best I can do is act as if what I am doing(physical therapy, working out with Glenn, my trainer, going to a whole lot of counseling, from nutritional to psychological, keeping every Dr's appointment scrupulously, choosing not to fight with Rene)is actually going to lead me somewhere I need to be. Some days I believe this, others I can't.
But I am doing well in some areas. Since April I have lost 117 pounds, 98 of them since surgery, on 7/11/05. I continue to work the WLS program, so to speak, although I still hate it, and every walk is a kind of a very slow forced march (I am up to a half of a mile, a couple times a week, weighted down with oxygen) I am getting along well with my daughter Meg, who is 32, and I'm able to do my own errands-like food shopping-by myself again. I am beginning to make tentative plans for how to live after Rene moves out.
Goddess knows, I am trying. But , under it all, my glass still feels half empty, and leaking, and that I wouldn't recognize a full glass if it hit me on the head. I don't like that about me, because I know I miss out on good opportunities. My first response to every new thought, idea or person is always "NO". Then I have to work myself around to the place where I can remind myself how much this was a healthy, self-protective response in childhood, but unhealthy and unnecessary now. This takes time sometimes and I miss out on positive opportunities and changes.
Change still feels as scary as it did when I started this Journal, but I am beginning to realize how much I have changed (yes, often kicking and screaming and crying and whining) since my catastrophic fall on 8/7/93, and that my own inner strength has been tested and none of this has killed me. I'mstill coming to terms with lots of old, stuffed down feelings, but I am keeping up the "act as if" because I cannot imagine that life will not get better, easier, happier at some point. Maybe sooner rather than later. That seems to be a bit of positivity with which to end the day.