Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Mourning the Loss

I am not someone who leaps forward to embrace change. Especially big ones. I am still sad, crying at unexpected moments, mourning the loss of what Rene and I used to have, and breaking down at the idea of splitting our lives, our silverware, our "go to Europe"money (to pay off our joint house credit card) our bookcases and books, the Christmas tree ornaments, all the little things which must be taken care of when one household becomes two.
 

"Are you sorry," a friend asks, "do you want her to stay?"

 

No, I am not sorry, and I do not want her to stay. It is time to split, past time perhaps, but the love I have for her has not dried up and blown away just because we need different kind of lives. In the past I would eat my way through painful times, stuffing the pain down with toast and honey, mint chocolate chip ice cream, sugar cookies. Food soothed and pacified, comforted and filled the aching hole.

 

Now I am letting the pain rise. I know I will not die of this kind of pain, but it catches me unawares. I am driving down the road to a new doctor's appointment, trying to focus on my top three issues, and suddenly I am sobbing so hard I have to pull off the road, because I realize I cannot put Rene down as next of kin anymore.

 

Rene has begun to look at condos, and I weep as she talks about them. Our hairdresser asks how she is and I'm crying again, he is a member of the community and is sad, too. Plus, I will probably have to change hairdressers because he is good therefor expensive. I go to tell a neighbor, and cannot stop the tears from flowing even as I tell her it is best for both of us. And I know it's true.

 

I see a lot of irony in the situation. The gastric bypass, which I chose  because I want to live a longer, healthier life, is what pushed us over the edge. She is not interested in losing any weight, and has continued to eat as usual. And she has every right to do so. She wants to be free to go to buffets with friends without guilt at leaving me at home, bring home bags of Chinese food, containers of chips, things that must be gone from my life. 

 

She is also  very uncomfortable around free flowing emotions. I deliberately chose a path which could only lead to feeling my feelings, many for the first time. She is a stoic, and sees me as hysterical. I see me as freeing myself from all those stuffed feelings, and mourning as the first step.

 

There will be other steps to take as I move ahead with this journey. For of course I will move ahead. I haven't struggled through the last two years to abandon the trip now. I am working on looking ahead to some of the good things-I can arrange my furniture and altars as I want, have only what I can eat in the house, not have to check in with anyone if I want to stay out late, learn to remember our good times and no longer focus on the difficulties.

It just takes time.

Blessings, Margo

17 comments:

lavernwest said...

Margo, so good to see you have such a positive attitude.  You WILL make it!

njlittlebear said...

I hate change too.  It's funny how we learn to accept things as they are even if we don't like them.  Change is so hard and this is the worst kind.  It seems like it's for the best.  I'm always sending you good thoughts.  Peace.

NJLB

donah42 said...

{{{{Margo}}}}

blondepennierae said...

Time changes things, people change, people grow.  My heart breaks for you in one way and celebrates for you in anoither.  Love, Pennie

christapaz said...

Food is my comfort and emotional crutch, and I am amazed at your courage going through this pain without it's comfort. There is nothing but growth to be expected from this. At least you don't have to move! love, christa

bosoxblue6993w said...

nothing you are going through has NOT been gone through before.

monponsett said...

Just like the rappers say.... ex-girl to the Next girl.

indigosunmoon said...

((((((((((Margo)))))))))))

Love you,
Connie

makemarc said...

Margo:
Renee's relationship with food is not healthy.  If it was booze, it would be clear as day.
This is not to judge her, or make her wrong. But it should be recognized as such.
And thanks so much for you comments on my blog. My AOL keeps shutting down, so it's been hard to respond.
Marc

judithheartsong said...

I am sending a warm hug this morning after reading your powerful entry. I am sad for you both, but hope that this will lead to two fulfilled lives and maybe a friendship that will continue on forever.

You have chosen the difficult road of doing what is best for you, and I admire and respect that. Know that you are loved for exactly who you are as a feeling human being, and know that the journey you are on was already written in the stars.

My best to you both as you walk this new road.
my love to you friend,
judi

cyndygee said...

Oh, I am so sorry . . .  my heart hurts for you.  I had a sad split . . .  after 24 years.  It's like part of you is gone . . .  the gaping wound that slowly heals, a little hurt here and there.  I just read an e-mail from him.  He was talking about our son and there was still that old familiar hurt that lets me know I'm still "me".  I am much older and I'm ill right now and dealing with physical pain, but that old heart hurt reminds me that I married at 16 and had a son at 19 and divorced at 41.  That is part of my history . ..   or HER-STORY, in this case.  It all brought me to who I am today.  I like myself and I LOVE my new partner, but that old heart hurt returns once in awhile . . .  I feel it for you.  I will hold you in my thoughts and prayers . . .
         Cyndy

jouell3935 said...

Margo
I read the sadness and yet I read the positive outlook and what is the right move forward. I find strength in your writing. With all 'stuff' that has to be thought of, you see what is important. My thoughts remain with you.
Jodi

kbeatty99 said...

You sound so strong and determined.  I am sorry for your loss. -Ken

dbaumgartner said...

You are so strong and I have no doubt that this pain will turn to a new beginning for you.  However, I send you huge hugs and prayers while you are going through all of this.

Please know you have many, many friends that are here to listen if you need to vent or just share some feelings

greysport said...

Hi, Margo.  In the book Dry, the author describes a councilling session in which he is told that he is a piece of a puzzle that was his old life.  He has been to treatment and has changed his shape.  He now must find a new puzzle that will fit his new shape.
It appers that you are going through something similar both literally and figuratively.  
I had a stomach staple 20 years ago at age 18.  It saved my life for sure but it gave me to chance to live a healthier life.  I'm grateful for it.
Let's chat sometime.
Bryan

ryanagi said...

I'm sad because you have to go through this extra pain during an already difficult time. But I guess that's the way life goes sometimes. We think it can't get any suckier...and then it does.  I hope things get easier for you soon.

csandhollow said...

Margo, I am hearing a stronger you. I hear the survivor in you.