Thursday, October 20, 2005

The Beginning of the End

Yesterday was a sad day for both Rene and me. It became clear during our therapy session that our relationship is over. It has been a long time coming, and some who know us well will not be surprised, but I am still sad and scared and feeling lost. We've been together since January of '93, and when we said our vows to each other in '95, we meant them.
 

But people grow apart, enter different phases of their lives in  lopsided ways, get pushed around, and off kilter, by the things life throws at them, discover they have different needs, and all that has happened to us. All of this was beginning to happen before I fell and began this medical odyssey, but the last two and a half years have finished us off.

 

At 66, Rene wants to stay home and putter around on her computer, and stay up late and rise late(she worked second shift for 17 years) and not have to play nurse to anyone, nor deal with any emotional ups and downs.

 

At 56, I want to get in better shape, and get out of the house more, find people to do things with, and let the emotions that I stuffed down with food all my life come to the surface, so I can experience and/or look at them and grow from the process.
 
 

We've both known for a while that we were approaching the end, but having it out in the open is hard. I feel as if I ripped my heart on a jagged nail, and just have to wait a bit for the pain to lessen, the blood flow to slow down, so that I can breath again, begin to rally and move forward.

I think the worst part is that we have to tell so many people, who will be really sad. And even angry. The GLBTQ community likes to hang onto long term relationships, because until recently we have seen so few. They've been out there, of course, but closeted. We're pretty well known, not every couple has been celebrated with a picture of two dykes kissing in their local newspaper.

My daughter Meg will be devastated. She loves Rene dearly, and this is a difficult- but exciting-time in her life right now (more on that another day). She will be angry at me, for it will bring up my divorce from her father. I can only honor her feelings, and still let myself feel mine.

Rene and I have not set a timetable yet, or talked about it much more than to discuss who we need to tell in person, and when we can get ahold of them. It's difficult, because everyone has such crazy busy schedules. Should any of our family or friends read about it here first, I want to apologize in advance. I have had a very high need to share this here, for this is where I find support during difficult times.

I see the irony in talking about closing the prison door so another could open. I had my eyes on the wrong door. I will make it through this door and into the next life. I am continuing to do what I have to do-go to the gym, physical therapy, regular therapy, doctor's appointments, and working hard to get the required protein and liquids in, and will keep on keeping on, of course. The only other option is to stop cold, and that is unthinkable after all I've been through.

Blessings, Margo





17 comments:

jeffcomedy said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.  As difficult as it might be, it is probably for the best.

My thoughts are with you.

http://journals.aol.com/jeffcomedy/Whatthehell

bosoxblue6993w said...

i wish i had the means and wisdom to assauge your grief and dissappointment at this point.

 God bless you both ... and NEVER give up.

blondepennierae said...

Oh Margo, I wish with all my heart that we lived closer.  I would love to be able to sit with you.  My heart hurts for you, but I know that you will be able to make it through this dear friend.  My prayers are for both of you.  Pennie

christapaz said...

Oh, Margo. My heart is breaking for you. Please be patient with yourself while grieving this. I, too, wish I lived near you so I could comfort you, but this will have to do. Change begets change. I happened to me 4 1/2 years ago when Nick was born. One event can put into motion unbelievable realities. You can make it through this. much love, christa

ecori said...

I wish you peace and gentleness through your transition.
peace, Virginia

ryanagi said...

{{{Margo}}}  I don't know what to say...words escape me. I'm so sad for you both. You aren't that far away from me...we should hang out one of these days.

judithheartsong said...

Margo, I am stunned and so very sorry. I want the best for both of you and I am so sad that you will not be finding that path together... but you are absolutely right that sometimes it is just not in the cards.
You take care of you, and know that you are loved. What a friend you have been to me and so many others.... and that love will be right here to support you as you make this change.
Hang in and hang on... you have worked too hard to get to this point, and you deserve happiness.
Blessings to you and Rene.
love love love, judi

donah42 said...

I'm very sorry. {{{Margo}}}

lrttklly said...

(((((Margo)))))

I am praying for both you and Rene.
I hope that you both can find serenity.
With much love,
Loretta

makemarc said...

I'm new to your journal, but moved by your searing honesty.

I'm reminded of Dr. Ruth's statement about here own relationships: "I've had three very successful marriages, and three very successful divorces!"  Longevity is not in and of itself, a good thing. 12 years together is an extraordinary success, not in any way a failure.  Just bear that in mind as you greet a change you both seem to need.

jouell3935 said...

Oh Margo....
I dont think, nope I know I dont have the words to soothe, I wish I did right now. What a powerful entry. That admission. Not an easy thing to do. Your stream of thought, the process to work it out in your head and most of all your heart....It is difficult, and you are so right, people do grow apart. When we begin a life with someone, we are never looking ahead to a moment such as this...You have your head level, at least I read that...you have a positive outlook for yourself. I find it a wonderful trait that you both are in the mind set. It still hurts, yet that realization is there. My thoughts are going south today to you. You do deserve to be happy and to live. The year has been quite the rocky path...Sending you love...I know I appreciate your trust in us here. Be well Margo...
Peace
Jodi

dbaumgartner said...

Hi sweetie.  I wish I could hug both of you, right now.  This entry was such raw, unadulterated honesty it cut to the heart.

I wish you both peace and serenity and the wisdom to the make the choices that will work for each of you.

hestiahomeschool said...

I am so sorry.  The death of a relationship, wight when you are feeling so vulnerable, must be devastating...I am here if you need me.
love, Kas

fjrav said...

Margo, I feel your pain about the long term relationship as I'm sure many do.  I have been with my husband for seven years (four before we got married, three years of marriage) and it is becoming painfully obvious that we are not as compatible as we just knew we were...we now have so many 'irreconsilable differences'...I kind of hinted to that stuff in my aol journal but wanted to leave that journal professional and not address my personal drama so much although when it is all said and done, I will link my non-aol journal to the aol one and share my difficult path.  Ending a deep relationship is very much like dealing with a death:  

1. Denial - false hope, you keep trying really thinking and believing somehow it can work
2. Anger - all that time invested into that relationship and years wasted...for this?
3. Bargaining - maybe if we try again and I do this different and that different we can make ammends...
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

...not necessarily in that order.  It's hard.  Have faith, though because you will make it through and it will get better with time.  Learn from it.  Most importantly, don't be afraid to love again.  Although sometimes it seems unlikely, love can be very rewarding when it is with the right person.  Good luck.

Aryanna,

chasingmoksha said...

I keep coming back to this entry and I still do not know what to say. I'm sorry.


I shall be back.

njlittlebear said...

I'm so sorry Margo.   XOXOXOXOX

NJLB

ksquester said...

Margo, I am so sorry. I wish there was something I could do for you. Please know that I think of you often and am concerned for you.   Anne