Sunday, August 21, 2005

"Just a Small Setback"-Yeah, Right

  I am home from the hospital, with a very small hole in my pouch that apparently burst through a little more than a week ago. I went for what everyone believed would be a routine Upper GI, and low and behold, a pinhole that lets food trickle into my abdomen. The solution? No food in the pouch for two to six weeks. They are calling it a small setback.  

I am devastated. Not by the setback itself, or even by the 12 hours a day I must now be hooked up to a feeding tube, though neither makes me happy. I am devastated that they have to pump in more calories than I should have by my doctors WLS standard, because I need extra calories to heal.  

Now I know, it's still less than before, and I know I have to heal, and I know this is just a not-too-common but small side effect of the surgery and I know it could be so much worse, and I know a setback does not mean the end, etc, etc... I have heard so many look -on -the -bright side facts in the last few days, that they sound like platitudes, and all from people who have not had to choose to go through the hell that is WLS(and people still say it's the easy way out)  

But I have gotten through so far, concentrating on the recognition that this is the prime time for weight loss, that it gets harder after the first couple of months, use it well and wisely, and I certainly was. I had lost 53 pounds, and was proud. So far I have gained back 5 pounds. And I can't even call the pharmacist at the company which makes the food replacement stuff to find out how many calories I am forced to take in until tomorrow because he's not available on weekends(This is something Dr. Bell suggested I check on, because most feeding liquid is made to fatten people up! )  

All I do is whine and I mourn. I am still exhausted from no sleep in the hospital, and sad and enraged and stuck and miserably sorry for myself. Sorry to spew my misery out into J-Land, especially during it's Second Anniversary Celebration. I want to celebrate, too, but cannot dredge up the necessary energy.  

I don't want anyone to panic on my behalf- I will crawl out of this pit as I always do, I just am hating that I have to be here yet again.  

Blessings, Margo     

11 comments:

njlittlebear said...

Awwww...Girl I'm sorry to read all this.  I really hope things get better. Sending you good thoughts always.  {{{{{MARGO}}}}}

NJLB
http://journals.aol.com/njlittlebear/MyBigFatGeekLife

christapaz said...

Oh, I was so worried. And many people missed you, including me. If I thought I could eat for even 2 days, I would be a total nutcase. Whatever you are feeling is exactly what you are supposed to be feeling. Although, I am thrilled for you on the weight you have lost!  love, christa

indigosunmoon said...

Oh Margo,
I'm so sorry your having to go
through all this!
Thinking of you babe.
Connie

ryanagi said...

This sucks. I'm thinking about you! {{{Margo}}}

hope5555 said...

So sorry to hear that you are going through a rough time.  Also = CONGRATS on the 50 (give or take) pounds that you have lost so far. Those "look on the bright side" comments can be irritating, so forgive me. I hope that you heal as quickly as possible.

bosoxblue6993w said...

you do none of this alone, Margo ... we are with you always in spirit.

jouell3935 said...

No platitudes here....Just here for you...not alone my friend! Sending you good thoughts!
Jodi

blondepennierae said...

No platitudes here, Margo.  Love, worry, compassion, and prayers ... that is what I am sending your way.  Heal fast and stay as healthy as possible.  No celebration is complete without you among us.  Pennie

judithheartsong said...

I could cry...................... hang in and hang on and know that you are loved. judi

ecori said...

Hang in there.  Easier days are coming.  You deserve them!
Peace,  Virginia

frankandmary said...

Margo, I have read the journal & hon you don't really moan & whine that much CONSIDERING.
I have run medical practices for years & I would take you over some of my real moanwhiners any day ;'].
You are in my thoughts.
You do it all better than you think, girl friend.