And so, onto June...

Mood:  Exhausted! 

Well, thank Goddess May is over! I do not usually wish time away, but last month had way too many doctor/therapy/PT appointments, and I am so into medical stress fight or flight responses that I am exhausted full time. Of course some of the exhaustion is due to medication, obesity, and-new problem- sleep apnea.  

 I "flunked" my sleep study test over the weekend. I had been asleep less than an hour before Gretchen, the respiratory therapist, came running in to put me on a CPAP. For those not in the know, CPAP stands for "Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP): CPAP works by gently blowing pressurized room air through the airway at a pressure high enough to keep the it open. This pressurized air acts as a "splint." The pressure is set according to the patient’s needs at a level that eliminates apneas and hypopneas that cause awakenings and sleep fragmentation"-The American Sleep Apnea Association. Goody, goody a machine to sleep with.  

I did have some fun there, though, because I could play with the pulse/oxymeter, which measures one's pulse and the amount of oxygen in the blood. Mine, of course is low, which is why I am tethered to oxygen full time now. Before the test actually started I took the oxygen off, tested my level resting, then walked up and down the halls at various speeds, rushing back to my bed to see how I was doing. Little things amuse me, you understand.  

I ran quite low when I hustled, but I recovered quite quickly, a good thing according to Gretchen. Now I have to call my PMD to ask them to call the sleep study pace to hurry the report so I can get the CPAP quickly so I can be on it long enough before surgery so they don't postpone the gastric bypass, which wouldgivememoretimetgainweight, andtheywon'tdothesurgery ifIgainsomuchasonepound......

 Can you see how my brain is running, running on and on and on? Although I am holding it together pretty well on the outside, I am having to work hard on the inside to deal with the stress and related anxieties. And though a neighbor bleated "Take long walks" to me the other day, I cannot go far enough to out walk myself!  

Actually, despite all this, I am pleased that I am doing fairly well-talking to friends, meditating, getting out of the house most days, and remembering to breath into Mother Earth when I need grounding. Poor Rene, who is not very comfortable with emotions, gets the brunt of my frustrated outbursts (not aimed at her, but at the universe in general.) She leaves for Europe in twenty days and we hope we can both survive till then.  She will be-as always- a wonderful support once I have had the surgery and am recovering.

Poor dear, she has nursed me through six surgeries, several of them life threatening, in the last eleven years! I've nursed her through five.   Hmmm, now that I think on it, we have had a staggering number of surgeries between us,especially since neither of us wanted to go into nursing as a career.

At our Ceremony of Commitment in '95, we had only had 6 surgeries, and got teased about promising "in sickness and in health" since health was already out the window! Laughter does help, doesn't it? As does commitment, or else we'd have killed each other under the stress of it all.   Still and all, I feel blessed these days. I have a good woman for a partner, a great place to live, a self-supporting daughter, health insurance and a sense of humor-these things will get me through.

  Blessings, Margo