Wednesday, June 1, 2005

And so, onto June...

Mood:  Exhausted! 

Well, thank Goddess May is over! I do not usually wish time away, but last month had way too many doctor/therapy/PT appointments, and I am so into medical stress fight or flight responses that I am exhausted full time. Of course some of the exhaustion is due to medication, obesity, and-new problem- sleep apnea.  

 I "flunked" my sleep study test over the weekend. I had been asleep less than an hour before Gretchen, the respiratory therapist, came running in to put me on a CPAP. For those not in the know, CPAP stands for "Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP): CPAP works by gently blowing pressurized room air through the airway at a pressure high enough to keep the it open. This pressurized air acts as a "splint." The pressure is set according to the patient’s needs at a level that eliminates apneas and hypopneas that cause awakenings and sleep fragmentation"-The American Sleep Apnea Association. Goody, goody a machine to sleep with.  

I did have some fun there, though, because I could play with the pulse/oxymeter, which measures one's pulse and the amount of oxygen in the blood. Mine, of course is low, which is why I am tethered to oxygen full time now. Before the test actually started I took the oxygen off, tested my level resting, then walked up and down the halls at various speeds, rushing back to my bed to see how I was doing. Little things amuse me, you understand.  

I ran quite low when I hustled, but I recovered quite quickly, a good thing according to Gretchen. Now I have to call my PMD to ask them to call the sleep study pace to hurry the report so I can get the CPAP quickly so I can be on it long enough before surgery so they don't postpone the gastric bypass, which wouldgivememoretimetgainweight, andtheywon'tdothesurgery ifIgainsomuchasonepound......

 Can you see how my brain is running, running on and on and on? Although I am holding it together pretty well on the outside, I am having to work hard on the inside to deal with the stress and related anxieties. And though a neighbor bleated "Take long walks" to me the other day, I cannot go far enough to out walk myself!  

Actually, despite all this, I am pleased that I am doing fairly well-talking to friends, meditating, getting out of the house most days, and remembering to breath into Mother Earth when I need grounding. Poor Rene, who is not very comfortable with emotions, gets the brunt of my frustrated outbursts (not aimed at her, but at the universe in general.) She leaves for Europe in twenty days and we hope we can both survive till then.  She will be-as always- a wonderful support once I have had the surgery and am recovering.

Poor dear, she has nursed me through six surgeries, several of them life threatening, in the last eleven years! I've nursed her through five.   Hmmm, now that I think on it, we have had a staggering number of surgeries between us,especially since neither of us wanted to go into nursing as a career.

At our Ceremony of Commitment in '95, we had only had 6 surgeries, and got teased about promising "in sickness and in health" since health was already out the window! Laughter does help, doesn't it? As does commitment, or else we'd have killed each other under the stress of it all.   Still and all, I feel blessed these days. I have a good woman for a partner, a great place to live, a self-supporting daughter, health insurance and a sense of humor-these things will get me through.

  Blessings, Margo    


ryanagi said...

Apnea...swell. I've been wondering if this particular problem has crept up on me as well. My scale will only say "E" for the last week. That tells me I have exceeded it's maximum capacity. A scary thing.  *sigh*  I have to do something soon before I fall apart any worse. :-/  I am in awe of your bravery and commitment to this life change. I will be following your progress avidly. I've said that before, haven't I? LOL

blondepennierae said...

You are absolutely astounding.  I want to be like you when I grow up.  You are in my daily thoughts and prayers.  Pennie  

kissofvanity said...

Yep, lots to be grateful for and so easy to lose that focus when you're not feeling well.  I know that for myself, anyway.  You've got a great attitude.


ksquester said...

Hey, I like it when you get your "dander up!"  Yes, I know what you mean about having to be with your loved one in sickness and health. I don't know what I would do without my husband.....the longer we've been together the more we have learned to ignor each other at those "special" times....or at least not to take it personally. BTW, I am sooooo glad you are blogging again and thanks for all of your comments in my journal.  Anne

indigosunmoon said...

Having a wonderful partner is definitely a blessing!
So glad you have one Margo!
Well, I hate to hear that you have to start sleeping
with your machine, but hey...they say that once
you get used to it, you actually do sleep better!
Love ya,

lrttklly said...

Hi Margo...
It's that richer or poorer, sickness and health thing that always comes back to bite us in the rump.
I am glad that you and Rene have such devostion for each other.
So many relationships can not weather what you two have already gotten through.
As always, prayers continue for you as you find your path to health.
Life with Lupus

hope5555 said...

Sending you some prayers and hugs! I think the CPAP is the same thing my mother just got for her sleep apnea.  She says she feels so much better and more rested now (and so is my dad, who used to get woken up by her snoring and gasping for breath in the middle of the night!) Good luck with everything!

judithheartsong said...

I am sending you big hugs and blessings!!! judi

viviansullinwank said...


Reading this entry reminds me that I have been a very bad girl with my CPAP machine. I packed it but that's about the most activity it has had in quite a while.   Here's wishing you the best of luck with the surgery. That's something I need to do as well.