I have been meditating on change a lot lately. Now, lest you think that means I have been sitting on the floor cross-legged, counting my breaths and muttering ohmmmmm, I must admit for the most part my "meditating" is noodling around inside my head and body and letting stray thoughts, ideas, and images rise from somewhere deep inside me.
This process happens not only when I am sitting quietly in my favorite chair, but also when I am unloading dishwasher, driving my car, dropping off to sleep, just waking up, any odd quiet time. It has been helpful to have Rene gone, because it gives me much more quiet time alone.
But I digress.
What I have been thinking on is not the usual light/darkness theme to which I am heir as a chronic depressive, but the dichotomy of light/heavy, Heavy is obviously what I have been my whole life. A large woman, A big person. A fat lady. And for the last 25 or 30 years I have held my head high and worked with what I had to change and grow despite the weight.
(An aside; I just had to stop and laugh for a moment. Behind my back, the women at the prison called me "the Gentle Giant", which I took as a great compliment, considering that they called another counselor, much thinner than I, "that fat bitch". I think I will miss those women for the rest of my life).
Now I am going to concentrate on the light in a whole new way. I will grow lighter, I will honor the Light in me, I will celebrate light in ways I do not yet understand. I will know as I struggle through the pain and nausea and fear after surgery that I am following the light in my soul and work it out in my body.
Don't get me wrong. I will probably never be thin, I am aiming for more life, not outside beauty, but I will take on shining in new and different ways.