Monday, June 27, 2005

Meditating on the Light

I have been meditating on change a lot lately. Now, lest you think that means I have been sitting on the floor cross-legged, counting my breaths and muttering ohmmmmm, I must admit for the most part my "meditating" is noodling around inside my head and body and letting stray thoughts, ideas, and images rise from somewhere deep inside me.  

This process happens not only when I am sitting quietly in my favorite chair, but also when I am unloading dishwasher, driving my car, dropping off to sleep, just waking up, any odd quiet time. It has been helpful to have Rene gone, because it gives me much more quiet time alone.  

But I digress.  

What I have been thinking on is not the usual light/darkness theme to which I am heir as a chronic depressive, but the dichotomy of light/heavy, Heavy is obviously what I have been my whole life. A large woman, A big person. A fat lady. And for the last 25 or 30 years I have held my head high and worked with what I had to change and grow despite the weight. 

 (An aside; I just had to stop and laugh for a moment. Behind my back, the women at the prison called me "the Gentle Giant", which I took as a great compliment, considering that they called another counselor, much thinner than I, "that fat bitch". I think I will miss those women for the rest of my life). 

 Now I am going to concentrate on the light in a whole new way. I will grow lighter, I will honor the Light in me, I will celebrate light in ways I do not yet understand. I will know as I struggle through the pain and nausea and fear after surgery that I am following the light in my soul and work it out in my body.  

Don't get me wrong. I will probably never be thin, I am aiming for more life, not outside beauty, but I will take on shining in new and different ways. 

 Blessings, Margo    


blondepennierae said...

This is beautiful Margo. You are on the right path.  You always inspire me.  Pennie

dbaumgartner said...

I could not have said it more beautifully.  What a lovely and very poignant entry.

bosoxblue6993w said...

to me, at least ... heavier is sexier

cyndygee said...

Oh, very interesting, you are putting an end to this cycle of very little light followed by the heavy DARKNESS.  It must feel like opening the shades inside your mind to a new light day.  

I lived in WA. state for years, then moved to Arizona and I will say that in spite of the oppressive heat, I LOVE THE LIGHT.  YOU FEEL SO ALIVE.  It doesn't rain at all from the first of May until July (then the monsoons).  The light bright days do, indeed, make me feel lighter!  Of course, I just lost six pounds.  That always makes ones step a bit lighter!

I enjoyed your entry.  I am having a good day and your entry gave me reasons to make it even BETTERl  Thank you . . .  and I hope you are enjoying being HOME ALONE!  

csandhollow said...

You may get thinner, but the inner you will stay the same, BEAUTIFUL! My friend Connie said it was as if she had finally been released from a prision after her surgery.

lamove04 said...

You will have support from your J-Land friends as well as from people in your offline life!  Change is good.  :-) Albert

lrttklly said...

Lightness of Spirit!!
" For the load is heavy, but my burden is light."
The lighter you feel in your heart, the better you will feel... and the rest will just follow.