Wednesday, October 6, 2004

Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I saw my Primary Care Physician this week-the one who I like. He is blunt, has occasionally minimized my complaints, worked hard to save my life when I was hospitalized after the fall, and has stabilized me on a multitude of meds over the last 10 years. We have discussed everything from the weather to his views on adequately medicating the terminally ill. I have put more trust in him than any other doctor, and have rarely been let down.

I described my current situation, ending with, "I just seem to need a diagnosis!"  He laughed ruefully, then said, "You want another one? Don't you have enough? Heart disease, diabetes, neuropathy, etc, etc, etc.All this seems more than enough for me." Then he looked down at my thick file and sighed.

"I hate to say this, but you are between a rock and a hard place." He want on say that he believed that a lot of the pain is diabetic neuropathy, perhaps exacerbated by the fall, and the medication- which I truly need, and he does not want to take me off - is causing the exhaustion and brain fog. We talked about it a long time, but by then I was on auto pilot, unable, and unwilling to take in any more.

He ended by saying, tentatively (I think for fear I'd  be offended or fall apart) that he wanted to say, without being patronizing, that he did not think he could handle my illness as well as I am.

Two days later, I let myself feel the pain, and the irony of the whole situation. For the moment, I have a working diagnosis: Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place.  Trust me to end up with a Rolling Stones song as a diagnosis.

Nothing has changed. I am no worse or better than last week, it is just suddenly so painful to recognize that this is as good as it gets, and I really have to move on in some direction or another, dealing with what I have now. I have known this for a while now, but refused to look at it.

Funny how the mind works-I can see why the Goddess Hecate has moved into my life when I ended up with Judi's beautiful torch. She is the Goddess of the Crossroads (and a lot more) who, carrying a torch to light the way, guides women when they come to a changing point in their lives. That would be me.

I wish I could be funny or clever or even sarcastic about where I am in my life, but I'm not there yet. I am standing in the middle of a crossroad, crying a lot, waiting fora wise woman with a torch to come along and point the way. I know she lives inside me, and will appear, but right now I'm still humming the Rolling Stones.

Blessings, Margo


15 comments:

abeator81 said...

Hiya Margo...I'm so sorry I havent left a comment in a while...it's taken all my energy (and often all day!) to get through the journals I like to read and then write my own. It must be difficult to realise there is nothing more that can be done to help you and this is what you must cope with.  I know how soul destroying it is to be given an unsatisfactory 'diagnosis' by a doctor and how difficult it is to live with constant pain and fatigue.  I hope you can manage to find some good things in your life and focus on those...thats what I've been tryng to do and it can help in a way to balance out the bad.

I'm not sure if any of what I just wrote makes sense cos the brainfog is kicking in and the nausea is back with avengence so I think I'd better stop now!

Take care and best wishes, Amy xxx

jadzia7667 said...

(((((((((Margo))))))))))  You are in my thoughts.

poetmom1968 said...

I'm sending loving thoughts your way Margo.  You are such a strong spirit.  You're going to find your way thru this and be an inspiration for alot of people.  What I find unique about you is that you embrace the dark times.  You don't like them, of course, but you embrace them head on.  You want to know the facts and your soul is constantly searching and growing.  You'll definitely find your way my friend.:)
Steph

indigosunmoon said...

I wish you had been given better news my friend.
I am at a crossroads myself it seems, so I can
relate a bit.  
Many big hugs to you sweetheart!
-Connie

jeanno43 said...

Oh Margo, I am so sorry for your suffering.  You know the saying "What can't be cured must be endured". Easier said that done I know.  I find it hard coming to terms with my own health problems and get very depressed. You think back to when you were a different person who could do whatever you wanted.  Life is hard and it gets harder as you get older.  I feel for you my friend because I do understand and I do know what it is like. God bless you.

ryanagi said...

Just keep humming, Margo. Music does sooth the soul. I hope you find a way to cope and move on soon. -B

hope5555 said...

"Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place.  Trust me to end up with a Rolling Stones song as a diagnosis."  To me, this statement says that you still DO have your sense of humor.  You have an underlying strength that will see you through all of this. Delve into it.

judithheartsong said...

lots of tears. There are lots of blessings in the tears. Let's keep working to find them. I am so glad and proud to know you for who and what you are. You are a special woman indeed. with my love and warm hugs to you today, judi

ikoiko33 said...

Yikes!!

I hope that you're feeling better!!



Kasey

http://journals.aol.com/ikoiko33/TheReturnofKaseypalooza

emfeasel said...

I think you do have a sense of humor!

Feel better...soon.

Elizabeth

bosoxblue6993w said...

Don't be silly ... you have a WONDERFUL sense of humor!
My thoughts and payers are with you always.
BTW: I've been working in the garden all day.  I've developed a wonderful sense of humuus.

hestiahomeschool said...

I am sorry that you are in such pain. Chronic pain is so wearing on the mind and soul....I am sending loving, healing energy your way.
love, Kas

yorksrose04 said...

I am sad to see the outcome of yr consultation. Hope is always the thing we hang onto, & to be told "This is it, its as good as it will get". It can crush you, but from the things i have read of you & as the person i am getting to know.
I know you wont let it beat you, no matter how hard it tries!
I can tell that by the wit & humour that you do show in yr writing.
Take care Margo xxx

annalisa135 said...

I'm so sorry Margo.  I can hear your pain, emotionally as well as physically.  To be faced with always feeling pain or sick, is just not something I can grasp.  That would be so very depressing and heartbreaking.  Keep your chin up (you're probably sick of hearing stuff like this, but it's true), think positive, do the BEST you can, and Never Ever give up!  Your purpose on this earth is NOT finished.  There's still stuff for you to do.  Sending you as much healing, positive energy as I can, and keeping you in my prayers as well.  (((margo)))

lamove04 said...

You are facing a lot, but at least you are facing it with honesty and a sense of wisdom.  Look at how many people just numb out or give up.  I know it's a cliche, but hang in there, Margo!!!  (well, it goes with your photo at least)  xxoo, Albert