Thursday, September 4, 2008

Somebody, Somebody, Throw me a Rope

                  Traveling down some
                   old abandoned road
                   full of potholes and
                   crooked fenceposts,
                   looking for a sign,
                   a sign that says Hope.
                   somebody, somebody
                   throw me a rope!
                                  --Namoli Brennet
Yesterday a neighbor who doesn't know me well told me how good I looked, and how well I was doing after my parents' deaths, and it must be nice to feel normal again, now that they'd been dead a couple of months.
I looked at her for a minute, while I ran her words through my head again. I was wearing an oversized, sweaty tee shirt, with shorts two sizes too big, knew I have deep dark circles under my eyes, and wanted to say, "You GD liar." I also wanted to say, "How the f*ck do you know how I'm doing." and "I can't even remember what normal is anymore." Instead, I said, "Thank you, have a nice walk." And walked around the corner of the house, just too tired for the briefest of conversations.
Some people just don't get it, and there is no point in trying to explain. Mourning does not stop six weeks after death. Mourning goes on as long as it goes on, and my pain and anger have not abated at all yet. I know they will, but in their own time, not mine.
Meanwhile I am so discombobulated that I knock into furniture, I drop and break glasses, I struggle with insomnia, I'm not reading my newspaper or watching television, I stare off into space a lot, I forget to eat, or eat too much, and I know all this is within normal limits and temporary.
And when the pain hits big time, I go out to the back steps and cry and cry and cry and moan and even yell. My neighbors are a little shaken by this, but I explained that for 58 years I held many emotions in, because my parents were the stiff upper lip type, and I did my best to be that way, too. Now, somehow I am freer to let go, to wail if I want, to sob and scream and carry on like a madwoman, when I need to.
I am doing many of the right things. I see a therapist weekly, I've been to Hospice to talk to a grief counselor, and have signed up for a six week course for adults who have lost a parent, starting September 15th. I don't, of course, have friends who I can call when I feel like cutting to let the pain out, or want to just get in my car and drive as far as my credit cards will let me (I do like to travel).
I am actually glad the summer is over-I didn't do any summer activities, like go to the beach, or swim in a pool. I have spent most of my energy the last couple of weeks by attempting to clear out a garden area that had been abandoned ten years ago-hard labor to tire me out, to fill my time.
Unfortunately, September brings my birthday, on next Thursday, the 11th. Not an particularly auspicious day, and one on which I will miss my mother enormously. She always sent the best cards, and her gifts, usually Native American jewelry, were always carefully picked to tickle my fancy. Even Meg is too broke to give me a gift this year. (They are fixing up their house to sell it and are truly struggling.)
On the other hand a friend is taking me out to play Bingo at Foxwoods, something I done only once before. It is a bizarre twilight zone experience to me, but it will get me out of the house, and only costs ten bucks.
I know you all are out there, but I'm having a hard time even reading journals, let alone IM'ing my pain across the Internet (I hate to IM more than a few sentences), Except, of course in random entries like this one.
I really do hope you are all doing well, and please know I am a strong woman and will eventually be all right.
Blessings, Margo
PS Does anybody have Kas Ridiman's (of Hestia's School for Wild Young Women) new address or phone number? I really need to connect with her.


ksquester said...

I knew your birthday was coming up. It's also my son's birthday.  I hold you in prayer as I know you are in the depth of grief.  It is what it is..........but this too shall pass.  I think you will be in need of a road trip next summer.......I really do!  Anne

ksquester said...

Oh, one other thing.........When you find yourself on the end of a rope, make a knot and hang on tight!!!   Anne

pharmolo said...

I know only too well what mourning is like, Margo, having lost a relative only 4 months ago. You never stop mourning. I wish you every strength.


indigosunmoon said...

That woman is a complete idiot Margo. You should have reached over and kind of punched her in the arm and said "Hell yeah, I'm doin great...can't cha tell? I'm out partying every night and livin large!" But I would punch her arm a little harder than would be appropriate.
What a moron. Jeez.
I know your a strong woman, and I know you are going to make it through, but know if you ever just wanna vent, you can email me girl.  I'll listen if thats all you want...
Love ya,

amy122389 said...

sweet Margo...  :-/  I can't say that I know your pain... but I know that feeling sad, drained, and at your wit's end sucks.

It's okay to skip birthdays, IMO.  I like for them to just pass me by quietly.  (other people are the ones who make a big deal.  meh.)

sending you lots and lots of hugs....


(P.S.  I haven't heard from Kas in forever.  I know Tabby has a MySpace, could reach her pretty quickly that way...)

lisa41076 said...

Margo, you have been in my thoughts every day, I miss you so much and hope to see you soon online, I have'nt forgotten your birthday, Love You Lisa XO

dbaumgartner said...

You are doing the right thing(s). Only you know the path you must take to work through what must be done.

Do not forget that you are loved and I, for one, have a blanket of love for you and will wrap it around you whenever you need a hug.

On your birthday, remember my nephew. Nathan will be 2 on Sept 11. Enjoy a piece of his spirit.

Hugs and love to you my sweet friend,


deshelestraci said...

So you haven't heard from Kas either.  This is not good.  Do you know the name of the town they moved to?  I'm beyond getting worried.

stetsonsfyre said...

Merry Meet Margo ~ I'm worried about you ~ we are all here when you are ready... are you going to go to Blogster like everyone else? I know this is the least of your worries but the journals will be gone as of the 31st of Oct. and I don't want to lose you.  Below are my new journal addy's...I miss you. Bright Blessings** Teresa

csandhollow said...

Hun. I understand..

My new home is http://mydayandthoughts/    and