Thursday, August 7, 2008

Bad Karma

 
"...somewhere behind all/ the lights and the wheels
 you secretly hope/ that you might cut a deal
 and all the bad Karma/will fall off your back
 just like Elvis's Mom/in a Cadillac..."
                              -Namalie Bennett
 
I'm still here, struggling, finding myself enraged, filled to the brim with all the anger I politely held back all the days of my life. Somehow Mom's death, and Dad's, have lifted the veil and the old Karma rising-theirs and my own-has smashed me flat.
 
No deals, just acceptance and expression and holding in and letting go and red and black and crying and screaming and sobbing and silence and ignoring those who want explanations but are afraid to ask. Especially ignoring those who look away embarrassed when I well up and start to cry. Mostly I am overwhelmed.
 
And I cry over everything. Memories, things I'd like to tell her, all the times she told me not to be angry (stuff it, stuff it), how nobody dared cry over my Grandmother's death because Mom didn't (I'm sure she had her reasons, too), the fairy house she used to make for Meg in the woods in the Poconos, how her dying took away the glue that held my siblings and I together. I cry on rainy days and hot days and clear days. And how angry I am at her for dying.
 
I have barely looked at my Dad yet, where there are many fewer good memories and much more anger.
 
Days are okay-I try to keep busy-nights are horrible.
 
I am taking it as it comes, processing what I can, recognizing I'll be processing it for a long time, and in my own inimical fashion.
 
Margo
 

11 comments:

makemarc said...

There are some excellent books out there on processing grief.  Steven Levine is very good.

stetsonsfyre said...

(((((((((((((Margo)))))))))))))) The Lady hold you in her arms and allow you to heal...Blessings** Teresa

http://journals.aol.com/stetsonsfyre/remembering-to-exhale/

dklars said...

Big hugs.  ~~Kath~~

lisa41076 said...

Awwwwwwwwwww hon, you are in my thoughts every day, if you need me I'm here, Love You Lisa XO

indigosunmoon said...

Well darlin, this journal is a good way to help process it all.  We who read you, love you, and are here for you...through good times, and bad.
Connie

dbaumgartner said...

I cannot say what will work and what will fix things.  This is a process or more of a journey that you must travel and find your way.

You will find your way and you will find the place where all of these experiences and feelings will come together and all will be whole again.

In the meantime, don't miss the good things that will happen during this journey. They are there. Keep a close look out for them.

Hugs and love my friend,

deb

fjrav said...

You are in my prayers, Margo.

-wawa_md

ksquester said...

There is no right or wrong.  The fact that all of your emtions are raw, I view as a good thing............you are working through it.  I envy people who are able to cry. I have so much bottled up that I think I might break IF or WHEN I do start to feel. Margo, share some of these stories with us if you wish.  {{{hugs}}}  Anne

rjsisti said...

Congrats on be selected as one of the Guest Editor's Picks.

Hugs, Rose

lv2trnscrb said...

I'm so sorry for your grief; it is hard to lose our parents and to lose both of yours so close together, and these days, it seems like people think you should be over your grief in a few short weeks; I know a friend of mine, who lost her father, when someone saw her at a store a few weeks later and asked how she was doing, when she said she was still grieving her dad, the friend said "oh, you aren't over that yet?"

cry and grieve and take as long as you need to; I know when my mom died in December of 2006, it took me several long months before of grief and sadness and not even being able to make a simple decision of what to make for dinner

hugs to you

(did pop over to say congrats on being a guest editor's pick this week)

betty

lifes2odd said...

I was stopping in to offer congrats on being one of Deb's Guest Editor picks. I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. I hope you are holding up ok. I'm sending good thoughts and prayers your way. Martha