Thursday, July 17, 2008

Another Day, Another Death

 
This morning, at 7:15 AM, my father, Allison Francis Page, died of C Diff, which had lead to a systemic infection that he was too weak to battle. We were told he was in serious condition but holding his own when we left the hospital at 6:00 PM, but at 11:00 PM the doctor called to say he had taken a turn for the worse, and we should come to see him ASAP.
 
I arrived from one direction, Luke and Mary from another. (Catherine ad returned to Michigan on Tuesday.) Allison was doing a little better with the massive amount of meds they were giving him, so we retired to the waiting room with pillows and blankets about 1:00 AM. At 3:00 the nurse woke us: he was doing much worse. We rushed down the hall to find him struggling to breath. I will spare you the next four hours, but I will say my brother was in strong denial, and wanted the treatments continued. It took 3 long hours before the nurse and a doctor convinced him the Allison was not going to tolerate more treatment, and they should be withdrawn so he could die in peace. He finally sad no more massive meds, just make him comfortable with lots of morphine.
 
Luke and Allison had a good father-son relationship, and Luke wept more than I've ever seen him, leaving periodically to sob somewhere else. Mary and I stood by Allison's bed for four hours, until he died, then I stayed with the body for a while, trying to figure out what had just happened. And why? I am sad  because we were not close-at times I came close to hating him, other times he surprised me with his admiration and love. And he was my father and I loved him
 
I am quite shell shocked, as well as sleep deprived.. To lose both parents in four days seems excessive. I will wait until I home to even touch the pain and loss. Staying in their apartment makes me feel as if they might walk in any minute, and it's a way of both denial and holding them close, here in their home, which will soon disappear completely.
 
Catherine and I will have one last trip out here to divide the household goods, then I never want to set foot in Colorado again. I cannot wait to fly home Saturday, even though I am loath to leave. Confusing, isn't it?
 
I realize I am jealous that Luke lured them out here, and his kids got to have then at ball games and graduations. And I feel petty for being jealous. Every time I've been out here for the last 17 years I have spent my time driving mom to market or the hair dressers, or taking her shopping in stores that had nothing that fit me. (Though I must admit I have a couple of pieces of nice jewelry from shopping together.) And lately it has to visit them in that damned hospital, or to help out after a surgery.
 
It was only a vacation the two times we went to Taos, NM. And she apologized to me that we never made the last promised trip there the day before she died. I told her I would go for us, knowing quite well that it is beyond my means.
 
I am beyond tired now, and will end this to go to sleep. I feel as if the last forever postings have been more and more depressive, and I thank you for hanging in as I struggle on this next part of my journey.
 
Many Blessings, Margo


27 comments:

makemarc said...

Yes, it is very much to absorb all at once, but I can't imagine what it might have been like to go back and forth over the next few years either.  There is no blessing in living long if it is in poor health.
You are in my thoughts.

lisa41076 said...

Awwwwww hon, I am so sorry to hear this, I'm sorry I once again missed you online tonight, mail coming for you, Love Ya and sending big hugs your way ((((((((((((((((((( Margo ))))))))))))))))))) Lisa XO

purplehazebarn said...

So sorry for your lost, Margo.  You have certainly been through the mill.  It will be good when you get home, so you will be able to get some much needed rest.  I can't imagine how you feel at this time.  Know that good thoughts are being sent your way.  LaVern

ksquester said...

Oh Margo........I'm so sorry!   Many hugs!   I wish you a safe journey home and a good rest in your own bed............thinking of you!    Anne

dbaumgartner said...

Oh my, Margo. I can't imagine the enormity of the overwhelming feeling you must be having.

Just remember to eat an elephant you take one bite at a time.  Try to focus on each task and soon all things will be taken care of.

While you are going through this take a moment to feel the blanket of love that J-Land has wrapped you in.

Hugs and love to you my dear friend

Deb

stetsonsfyre said...

((((((((((((((((((((Margo)))))))))))))))))) Simply I'm so very sorry.  Go back home soon so that YOU can heal.  I wish I could be there to help you.  Cindy says she is sorry too... we'd wrap you up and take care of you...Hugz and The Lady's Blessings (imagine her arms around you holding you safe and tight) Teresa

dklars said...

They say people really can die of  a broken heart.  He wanted to be with your mother, up watching over the three of you.  I'm sorry  for your loss.  Big hugs!
~~Kath~~
PS - I don't mean my comment to sound callous, I hope it doesn't come off as such.

valliegirl7978 said...

margo,

Please know that we are keeping you close in our hearts, and in our thoughts and prayers as you travel down this extremely difficult road.  You are loved.

Valerie Muckle (Rich & Julie, too!)

toonguykc said...

I'm so sorry, Margo....sending you healing vibes and peaceful thoughts.

(((hugs))))
Russ

frankandmary said...

Margo, having one parent die when I was 20 & then my Dad this year was hard, but 4 days apart, I cannot begin to think what to say......I'm glad they are both at peace, & my hope is that soon you will feel a certain level of calm & peace yourself.
You were always very supportive of my journey with my Dad & I wish I could reach out & offer you more support than this right now......
~Mary

nightmaremom said...

Margo
I am so sorry to hear this news..  my sympathies.. prayers.. and strength go out to you.  I can't imagine what you're going thru but did watch as my sister in law went thru it with her parents a few years ago..  I'm sure this won't make you feel better but I swear they just wanted to stay together.
hugs to you
d

momiscool2 said...

I am so so sorry for the loss of both your parents.

I will keep you and your sibllings in my prayers!

Love,

Michelle

lsfp1960 said...

So sorry to hear of your loss.  May you find comfort in knowing your journal friends are standing by to comfort you.  Linda in Washington state  

penguine4050 said...

I know the pain in loosing a parent and the feelings you go through,  stay strong because your parents would want you to remember all the great things not the sad things.  Live life for them.

lv2trnscrb said...

I'm coming over here from Call for Support; I am so sorry for the loss of both of your parents within just a short day; I can't imagine your grief; I know how difficult it was when my mom died

My prayer would be that your friends and family "love on you" during this time of grief, helping with preparations, bringing meals, sitting with you as, etc.

again, I am so sorry

betty

lifes2odd said...

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of both of your parents. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I know you exhaustion must be so great at this point. I'm sending my thoughts, deepest condolences, and prayers for you and your family. Martha

sybilsybil45 said...

Hello Margo..what a nice Scottish name ,,, I have just popped by to say how sorry I am to read of your parents deaths. I cannot even begin to imagine how you must be feeling.  Keep as strong as you can..It is going to be a very hard few months ahead. I am going through a grieving process at the moment and have been told that it is only natural to feel guilty, and angry, but if possible direct any anger to someone who can understand and won't take it personally.. You will be in my prayers.   Love Sybil x
sybilsybil45/villagelife

indigosunmoon said...

Oh Margo...I'm so very sorry honey.  I haven't been online much in the past few days, and I just got caught up with all that's happened.  I know you are on emotional overload right now, you poor thing.  
I'm sending you big hugs and lots of love my friend.
Connie

jeanno43 said...

I feel for you.  I must be dreadful to lose your parents so close together.  I pray you are given the strength to do what has to be done and you always keep the good memories.

http://journals.aol.co.uk/jeanno43/JeannettesJottings/

pharmolo said...

I'm not a regular reader of your journal, Margo, but Mary pointed me your way. I can only wish you strength in the face of this double strike, and trust your family will support you and each other at this very, very sad time.

Guido
http://journals.aol.co.uk/pharmolo/NorthernTrip
http://journals.aol.co.uk/pharmolo/call-for-support/

sugarsweet056 said...

Margo, I'm not a reader but came by Mary's suggestion.
Wanted to offer my condolences on your double loss & heartache. Know my prayers are with you & the family, that the good Lord will send an Angel to see you all through the difficult days ahead & ease your rief.
God bless,
Sugar
http://journals.aol.com/sugarsweet056/SUGARSLIFE/  private journal, email for admittance
http://journals.aol.com/sugarsweet056/MYBELOVEDFURRBABIES/
http://journals.aol.com/sugarsweet056/SUGARSHACKKEEPSAKES/

sugarsweet056 said...

Margo, I'm not a reader but came by Mary's suggestion.
Wanted to offer my condolences on your double loss & heartache. Know my prayers are with you & the family, that the good Lord will send an Angel to see you all through the difficult days ahead & ease your rief.
God bless,
Sugar
http://journals.aol.com/sugarsweet056/SUGARSLIFE/  private journal, email for admittance
http://journals.aol.com/sugarsweet056/MYBELOVEDFURRBABIES/
http://journals.aol.com/sugarsweet056/SUGARSHACKKEEPSAKES/

pprrrr39 said...

Margo,
I came over from Call for Support journal.

I am so very, very sorry to hear of the death of your mother and father. My heartfelt condolences and prayers to you and your family at this very hard time.
They are now free of pain and together again

Jayne

motoxmom72 said...

Margo,

I came over from the Call For Support journal.

I am at a loss for words.  I personally have not experienced the losses that you have.  I just hope that knowing all of us coming forward in J-Land is a bit of comfort to you.

You write so eloquently about your parents while struggling with your grief and loss.  I was quite impressed.  60 years together?  Wow.  That's amazing.  Godspeed to them and may they rest in peace.

Hugs,
Gina
http://journals.aol.com/motoxmom72/GinasWeigtLossJourney

gazker said...

I am a regular reader of your J (as you know) I am so sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with both you and the rest of your family.
Take care, lots of love Gaz xxx

mleppard06 said...

hello, i am so sorry to hear of your loss, my thoughts are with you at this difficult time, take care mrs t xx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/mleppard06/eternity/

ukgal36 said...

i am truly sorry to hear of your losses...
Lyn