Saturday, September 30, 2006

Every Now and Then...

...I Fall Apart.
Last Sunday, I had a small meltdown. I don't cry or scream or reach out when I have this kind of meltdown, I just go to a very dark place in my psyche, and give in to all my fears and self loathing. I  roll around in my misery, feeling totally alone, helpless and hopeless and very much the victim of life gone awry.
Of course I am the recipient of a life gone awry, but  there is no victimhood there, just stuff that happened that changed my life. I know I am still working to keep abreast of all the changes, but even if I hadn't fallen and ended up  in chronic pain and disabled, I would be dealing with some other set of changes-such is life.
I could not see that last Sunday, I only knew I was going into another surgery, scared and alone, afraid of the pain, of the rehab, of living alone post surgery and all the problems that entails, and  angry at how unfair life was. I spent most of the day watching TV and wishing I could cry and/or whine to a real person.
Monday morning I got up and went to physical therapy where I did a bit of both to Gail, my physical therapist. By afternoon, I began to figure out why I hit the pits so hard and unexpectedly. I have been working on a letter to the hospital where I spent nearly two dreadful weeks, three years ago, after my fall at work.( I will publish it tomorrow.)
That hospitalization was one of the worst experiences of my life, and come October 19th, I will be back at the same hospital, on the same orthopedic floor, and I am really scared about it. The letter, which I am going to send, is one major step I am taking to erase the fear and move beyond that bad experience. Only after I do, will I be able to accept that this new surgery can possibly be helpful.
During the rest of the week I finished the letter, bought a recliner in which to recover from surgery,and began to think about what else I could do to make my hospital stay less difficult. This will include finding out the name and number of the patient advocate, and speaking to the dietitian before I go in, because of the weird diet I must live on (protein, protein, protein, then fruit and veggies, then water, water, water).
On top of all this, my parents are coming for a visit, pre-surgery. They arrive on Oct 11th and leave the 16th. Surgery is the 18th. My parents have not been in CT in about 5 years, because my mom has been sick on and off. She wants to see the ocean one last time, and I want to hang out with her more than I did this summer. I suspect this will be their last visit to CT.
Although they spend 4 or 5 months in PA, then fly back to CO, where they live the rest of the year, I am not thrilled that they are driving themselves. Dad is 83 and Mom is 81, and both are stubborn as the devil, so I am no longer protesting the trip. They will spend three nights at a motel, and two more at my house. They have not stayed here in over 15 years! I'll let you all know how this all works out!
Blessings, Margo


firewolfrn said...

I have site that is a bit if this and that and the other, but it expresses me and It is what I want. Surgery terrified me because first you are not conscious during the procedure and being a nurse, I know so many man things that can go wrong.

I know there is pain to expect after surgery but I am very used to pain in my life and childhood. I keep it quiet and inward. Like everything that I feel. It is more the thought that after sugery I will be weak and I detest that with my self and cannot  protect myself as welll

FireWolf RN

firewolfrn said...

You will have my heart felt prayers, For me the greatest fear of surgery was the time that I would be unconscious and therefor vulnerable.

And I was afraid of the time after surgery when I would not be strong enough or acute enough to protect myself. I would not only "feel" vulnerable, I would in reality "be vulnerable: and being safe and feeling safe and in control are huge issues in my life.

this was suppossed to go with the rest below. I'm sorry

lisa41076 said...

Margo, you sound like you need hugggggggggssssssssss, sending a few your way !!!!!! Hugs Lisa

ksquester said...

Margo, YOU are in my thoughts and prayers.   Much love!  Anne

indigosunmoon said...

Do send that letter, and make sure you tell the person you are writing it to that you are coming back for surgery to that very hospital.  Maybe things will be wonderful for you then while your there.
Love ya,

dbaumgartner said...

Send the letter.  It may just do the trick and you will have a better time with this surgery.

Hugs my dear friend.  You have a lot of shoulders to lean on as you go through this.


luvmort said...

Dahling, we love you!  

Hope the 'rents have a great time.  

donah42 said...

Thinking of you... Do you still have my phone #? You can always call & rant to me if you need to:) Wish I lived closer... {{{Margo}}}