Saturday, May 5, 2007

Still Alive and Wondering-Me & Mom, too.

Amazingly enough, my mother is home and doing well. She never even had to go to rehab, though her balance is still off a bit because her left eye is still blurry. She has a physical therapist coming in twice a week to help her walk more steadily, and she has now lived to see her 82nd birthday, which was Wednesday.
I am so appreciative of the prayers, energy, thoughts everybody sent her way-her recovery is a response to such kindness that poured out of all my readers, and I am so beyond grateful I have no words beyond: Thank You All. Your support truly got me through in a way I could not have otherwise.
I am still processing the aftermath of the experience, however, and have been meditating in my own way about family dynamics. What has come to mind is the myth of Demeter and Persephone. (For a brief synopsis of the myth go here: In one view, psychologically, Demeter and Persephone are almost too entwined, and Demeter's response to Persephone's abduction is so strong that she withdraws from the world completely. I have been wondering how Persephone would have responded if Demeter had been abducted. And how intertwined I am with my own mother. And why.
 "I did think briefly about letting go, but I couldn't go yet," she told me, "you are not ready for that yet. Me, either." She told me when she was finally compos mentis (sp?) again.
My own response to the inevitability of my mother's death brings up such a rush of sorrow and desolation that it is scary. I told her later that when it is her time to let go, I will be all right-and I know I will be able to work through the pain-but it made me wonder a bit about what kind of bond we have. Two years ago, when she was so sick that Luke called me to come quick because the doctordid not believe she would live, she turned the corner as soon as she realized I was there. Everyone was amazed, but she told me the same thing, in different words, as soon as we were alone.
Careful, subtle questioning has lead me to believe she has not said anything similar to my siblings or father. I don't quite get it yet, and maybe I never will, but I have been pondering it a lot lately. Demeter was(is) immortal, so Persephone really never had to face her mother's death. But I believe she would have been able to move on if her mother had been mortal. Death of our parents is something we all have to mourn, move through and keep living with wholeness.
I think I am afraid that my mother doesn't want to let go because she fears for me, and I don't want her to do that. But I cannot change her, I can only continue to work on my own changes. And, of course, I do want her to keep living as long as she has quality of life. We still have to go to Taos next May.
Perhaps I am not making much sense, but it doesn't matter. I will continue to meditate on it, and am very grateful she is still with us.
Meanwhile, my "real life" is taking off at what is (for me) warp speed. (Part of me wants to laugh at this, for it is snail slow compared to my last life.) I finish my orientation at the hospital this week, so will be able to start doing real Gentle Touch/Guided Imagery the following week. I will be working on the Ortho Floor-the same one on which I had such a terrible, enraging experience four years ago. I still hold some anger, but am pleased that I can help change to culture of the floor even a little bit.
One afternoon a week I am also elder-sitting a friend of a friend's mother who is in the early stages of Alzheimer's Disease. And I am spending an hour a week with Glenn, my trainer. And going to at least one or two DR's appointments a week. And, six months after anesthesia and surgery, I can finally concentrate enough to read books again, and am having a small orgy of catching up. And I have discovered clothes shopping. Almost all my life I've shopped in Large Women's Stores, or online. Suddenly I fit into clothes from regular stores! I must be careful not to turn this new hobby into an expensive ongoing orgy, though I really need everything from undies to jeans and tops.
I am still trying to figure out how to do all this, and still get enough rest, but like everything else, I'll work it through, and get stronger in the process.
Blessings, Margo


lisa41076 said...

Margo, I am so glad your mom is doing ok, your strength never ceases to amaze me, you are an inspiration to many, Big Hugs Lisa

toonguykc said...

It's been awhile since I told you this....YOU ROCK!!  My mom held on far longer than she should have because she was worried about us and how we would deal with grief.  It's for me still to think about that.


ksquester said...

Somehow I knew your Mother would make it. I am glad that you are home and can catch up on wonderful reading and clothes shopping.  I love the micofiber panties. I told somebody they stretch like mad, don't feel binding and are as light as a feather, PLUS, you wouldn't be embarrased IF you had to hang them out on the line to dry.  Go get a professional bra fitting at a good dept. store. You will be surprised at what a good fit will do for you.  I found out that I had a waist afterall. Start from the inside (as you have done mentally) and work your way to the outside as far as clothes.   Much love, Anne

makemarc said...

Death needn't be welcomed, but it certainly needn't be dreaded, either It's just a marker from one adventure to the next.

stetsonsfyre said...

You are very lucky to have a mother love you the way your's does, and she is just AS lucky to have you.  I'm so proud of your growth Margo...truly and deeply so.  About shopping? I hate malls and clothes shopping ughhhhh... too many people in those places, I would so much rather do it over the computer, but sometimes you just can't and have to deal.  Yet, I understand how it feels to be able to shop in "normal" clothing stores... I used to do that once upon a time, now I am just me... I like the simple things.  The Demeter/Persophone thing? I truly "get" that, but I think you knew I would :)  Love you Sister** Teresa

tellsg said...

Great to hear that your mum is doing ok.  What a lovely bond you and your mother have ... it is wonderful.  I hope she does recover and you are able to make your trip next year.  Congratulations on feeling better too, I bet its like being in a candy store being able to fit in all the clothes you like.  Hugs, Terry x

dbaumgartner said...

You sound so good! But, I do understand your thoughts and feeling about losing your Mom. I know I will be at a total loss when that time comes for me. My Mom is my rock!!!!!

But, for life right now, you are doing wonderful! You should be so proud and out dancing in the street.

You go girl!!!!


luvmort said...

There's good news all the way around!  Now I know where all the luck is!  
You deserve it!

manda2177 said...

You feel sad for me?    Maybe you should take a closer look at what I said.    
Please don't criticize me and my faith. It is wrong and unfair.  
God Bless

gazker said...

I am so glad your Mum is ok.
Now you just shop till ya drop baby, you got some catching up to do!!!!

Gaz xxxx

magogos said...

Mandia, My feeling sad for you is not a criticism of you or your beliefs. It is merely how I feel when I read your comments on some of the journals of people I have come to love, nothing more and nothing less. I don't know you and do not criticize the beliefs of people whose journals I choose not to read, unless provoked.
There is no need for you to leave comments on my comments in someone else's journal here. Please address such issues in e-mails. Thank you.

lrttklly said...

You made perfect sense.
We write to make sense out of our lives. (A very wise professor taught me this)... and I believe when we lack the words, the concepts, or the life experience necessary... our myths have the power to bring us to self-actualization.
There are so many WONDERFUL things going on for you right now.
I feel happy just reading all of your good news.
Blessings to you and your whole family, and all the people you are now reaching out to.