Saturday, January 29, 2005

Re-emerging

Dear Friends,   I did not mean to go away for two weeks and disappear for two months. Nor have I fallen into such a depression that I am unable to get out of bed to crawl to my computer. I have merely sunk into some weird sort of separation/isolation mode which seems to coincide with the increasing of the amount of Neurontin I take daily for peripheral neuropathy.  

 It feels as if I can no longer think clearly enough to put cogent sentences together - this entry is a real strain- and I spend a lot of time sleeping. In fact I can barely keep my head up a lot of the time. Watching TV seems much more soothing than interacting with the world.  

And yet I am forcing myself to keep up with what I feel I have to do. I am going to physical therapy twice a week, to the gym twice a week, and to regular therapy twice a week, once for couple's work with Rene, and once to my own therapist. And once a week I do something with my friend Peggy. This schedule leaves me so exhausted I cannot think straight most of the rest of the time.  

 I am forging ahead medically, however. I have seen the orthopedist who heads the group my old doctor left. I like Dr. M.,unlike his unlamented, now departed partner Dr. K. who did the original surgery on my arm. Dr. M. has recommended I have the rod taken out of my arm because it is impinging on the shoulder, causing inflammation, pain, and perhaps problems with the rotator cuff. He'll also do carpal tunnel surgery on my hand while he has me under anesthesia. 

 Although I am less than thrilled at the idea of more surgery and then still more physical therapy, I thought and meditated about it, spoke to my physical therapists and body worker, Pete, and cried with Rene about the necessity, then finally agreed. Needless to say, Workers' Comp turned me down. Now it is in my attorney's hands and will need to go to a hearing, once more leaving me raging in medical limbo along with increasing shoulder pain.  

Reading all this I am struck by two things. I want to apologize for this long litany of problems, and no wonder I am in full time exhaustion mode- a lot is going on! 

I also want to say that my time with my mother was well worth the energy and anxiety and struggle of the trip. I finally wrote her a long letter, telling her that I wanted her to let go of the guilt she has been carrying around, that she, like me, had done the best she could with what she was given, and I am glad she is my mother. She read the letter in her bedroom, then came out crying, to hug me and say what a gift I had given her. It made up for a lot of the pain of being there to see how unhappy she is with her life, and how she chooses to see the dark side of life, and how much I am like her, but struggling to make different choices.  

I want to thank all of you who have commented and e-mailed and worried about me, and apologize for not responding. Despite my silence, I have missed J-land, and hope to gather enough energy to re-join the community slowly. Isolating myself from those who sustain me is a very old pattern, and I am trying-once again-to find my way back.  

Blessings to all, Margo            

31 comments:

sdrogerson said...

Aw great to have you back.
It was a long break!!
I thought you had just given up on us all.
HUGS
http://journals.aol.co.uk/sdrogerson/SpecimenDays/

ksquester said...

I am sooooooooooooooooo glad to hear from you. Glad you are back and seems like you are doing all the right things.  Wecome back, missed you.   Anne

oblivionabyss said...

 I'm glad you're keeping up with your phys. therapy. I know it can be rather painful and monotonous, hated it myself. There's no need to apologize for not writing in your journal. You seem to be trying to get things into perspective for yourself and those around you. I hope that your lawyer is able to work out something suitable with workman's comp to fit the needs your body requires right now. Hope and faith for a recovery of heart, mind and body for you, Margo.

Steph~

blondepennierae said...

I am so happy to see your words.  I have been very worried about you.  You have been sorely missed.  My prayers and thoughts are with you.  Pennie

csandhollow said...

So glad to see you again. I pray that things go great for you and you will be back in full forse soon.
Celeste

jeanno43 said...

So happy to see you back Margo.  I do hope you feel better soon.  You have been missed xxxxx

ryanagi said...

Hugs to you! Hope you cope well with the surgery (it sounds like a good idea) and are feeling better soon!

ceschorr said...

hi there dear friend. i'm sorry everything sucks right now. you can call me anytime if you want to talk. i know what you mean about living in the separation/isolation mode....  i think i do it a lot by  choice... anyhow. much love to you and blessings, sara

dbaumgartner said...

Oh Margo I have missed you as well.

I can't make the pain go away but if I were there I would offer my unconditional support and big hugs when ever you felt you needed one..

I am pleased at the news about your Mom's reaction to your letter.  I think this will be the beginning of a new level in your relationship.  My Mom and I went through something similar and the end result was a much closer relationship.

Hugs my dear friend and just know that you are in my thoughts daily.

Deb

indigosunmoon said...

Margo,
As someone who suffers from chronic pain myself, I totally understand
how your feeling.  I am facing surgery too...gastric bypass, to help me
lose weight, with the hopes that it will ease my back pain.  
I hope you do well with your surgery, and that when you are fully
well, that you are feeling so much better.
Much love,
Connie

judithheartsong said...

I am so glad you are back my good friend and am so sorry to hear about what you have been going thru. Don't worry, we are all here for you, no matter how much you write. I am glad that the time with your family was beneficial, I found the comment about your mother choosing to see the dark side of life...... that was well-stated and is something my mother has always done as well. I live trying very hard to be different and to make different choices.
Hang in there, I am hoping that they can do something to make you more comfortable...... just glad you are here.
love,
judi

chasingmoksha said...

Welcome back Margo!  I do think of you often and wish I could will you well.

dbaumgartner said...

Welcome back Margo.  I wish I could hug you in person.  Since I can't, please know you are in my thoughts and send you healing energy each day.

{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}

judithheartsong said...

I am just so darn glad to see an entry here, and to know that you are home safe. I have missed you very much my friend. judi

poetmom1968 said...

It's nice to hear(read) from you again!  I'm sorry you're struggling with some things.  Even though you're exhausted, I'm glad you're still making yourself do things.  I'm also happy you and your mother had the visit you did and you wrote her that letter.  It truly was a gift.:)
Steph

abeator81 said...

Hope you'll be back soon....and sorry that I'm not around as much too....I've neglected a lot of journals due to sheer lack of energy....

Take care of yourself, love Amy

jeanno43 said...

Thinking of you and wishing you well. Can you feel those good thoughts winging their way to you?

hestiahomeschool said...

Just checking in, to see if you are okay...

judithheartsong said...

you are in my thoughts... I miss you. judi

realitycheckmco said...

I do hope you are feeling better...
Yo have been missed!
M

mrvincecharming said...

Dear Margo!

yes, we had all wondered where you were.  Sorry that you have not been well.  It sounds ghastly!
Love Vince and the West Hove Terrors

http://journals.aol.co.uk/mrvincecharming/WESTHOVETERRORS/

jadzia7667 said...

((((((((((((Margo))))))))))  I hope things are going better for you.....just wanted to say I've been thinking about you :)  Blessings to you and yours :)

krobbie67 said...

Just wanted to check in and say hi. I hope things are beginning to get better for you. Maybe when the sun and warmth of Spring emerges, so will the lighter side of your spirit return. Taking care of yourself should always be yournumber one priority though. :-) ---Robbie

hestiahomeschool said...

just thinking of you...

luckyaugustgirl said...

Just checking in, how are you doing??

urmidniteangell said...

welcome back Margo,
                            Always remember times of trouble and turbulance is only temperary. It seems its always darker before the light. Trouble in our lifes is only temperary. Hold on and ty for your lovely comment.
                                                                        URBRATTYAngel@aol
                                                            Allie

hestiahomeschool said...

Just thinking of you, and sending loving energy your way...

kissofvanity said...

Hope you are doing well.

Ana  ((0.~))

ksquester said...

Margo, I miss you........Anne

urbrattyangel said...

hey there hi there ho there, lol
                                           Girl listen. MY MOTHER will make up reasons to worry and so did I for many years and I was miserable! Maybe this will help both of you. This is what I decided to do and a new way to live my life. I decided NOT TO WORRY about the things I CANT CONTROL !! I mean why bother? Does it do any good? NO ! All's you can do is to look ahead and try and for see what may come and make a plan "B" just incase. After that, forgetaboutit!!!!!!! lol What will happen will happen and you'll deal with it as it comes, but don't waist your life worrying about things that probably won't happen seeee ??  hope it helps.. ta ta
                                      urbrattyangel     Allie

urbrattyangel said...

Hey Margo,
             URBRATYANGEL HAS YOU IN HER PRAYERS....... KEEP UP THE FIGHT GIRLIE.
                                                              ALLIE