Monday, November 1, 2004

Today, I Asked

Today was an absolutely beautiful late fall day in CT. The sky was blue and clear. It was jacket weather at its best, with a brisk wind blowing late leaves off the trees, up and around, through the air, to send them scuttling across the ground. Everywhere there were small, dry piles of leaves to scuff through, and the good smell of newly fallen leaves whirled across the neighbors lawn and down to the Thames, which looked blue and cold. It was truly amazing.  

Today was also the day my PMD, Dr. D.(the one I like) told me gently that, yes, I am now truly  totally disabled by peripheral neuropathy, heart disease and diabetes. I had asked, I was pretty sure what he would say, but it was still hard to hear. Despite it all-the pain, the meds, the unsteady gait, the loss of feeling in a lot more than just hands and feet, the problems with joints and muscles, the angina, the depression AND all the ongoing problems from the fall at work-despite it all I harbored a secret hope that I could somehow, somewhere go back to a productive working life.  

It's not going to happen.

In fact, said Dr.D., he'd have considered me at least partially disabled after the bypass surgery in '94. He wasn't my doctor then, but I know the ones I had at the time did not give me 10 years to live, so I've beaten a lot of odds already. And I am grateful for these years. I am also grateful for any time I have left, and will somehow come around to seeing today's revelation as some sort of gift, too. Eventually. I have no doubt.  

But not right now. I'm still sort of looking for the gift that people keep telling my will come from my fall, and that was over 15 months ago.  

 As he was saying yes to my question, I began to well up. I let the tears fall, slow tears, not sobbing or hysterics, just sorrow sliding down my face and onto my shirt, while I tried hard to listen to what he was saying. He talked a bit about the neurologist's report on the electro-stimulation test thingy I had done last summer, and lab results, and how he wished I could have been so pro active 10 to 15 years ago, because I'm real good at it now. He was not patronizing or overly protective, he just told me what he believes, and all the time, I just knew what he was saying was true. And felt  relieved, even as the tears continued to flow.  

 Part of the journey is over.  

Oh, I'm not giving up by any means. I'll find a neurologist, I'll continue to work on my arm and shoulder, I'll keep looking for the next orthopedic surgeon, I'll continue to struggle to self advocate,  I'll deal with the pain and the legal ramifications, and money issues, and continuing depression et al.  

 But I need to take time to float for a while, to lie in my gentle river, cool under the sun dappled trees and let go of worry and stress. I'll chant :       

We all come from the Goddess/ and to Her we shall return/ like a drop of rain/ flowing to the ocean.

and be free for a while.  

Blessings, Margo      


healthyatheart said...

Oh Dear.. I'm sorry to hear of this news... I can understand how it is to be sick.. how it is.. to want to feel good again.. but I think as long as you have hope.. that is what will keep you happy... regardless of what doctors tell you .. everything they say definitely isnt .. the ultimate and final say..
I hope you feel better.. peace and blessings* Melaney

ksquester said...

I am glad you saw Dr. D. and that you like him. He sounds compassionate and will lead you in the right direction. I didn't know about your neuropathy and bypass surgery. Good grief, you have been through more than several people. YOU are definately entitled to dissability, so go for it and try to start enjoying your life.(Easier said than done, I know) I want you to go to a store that sells a lot of Christmas decorations/trees and ask one of the sales people if they know who you could hire to put your decorations up for you. YES, my lady also takes them down and it is such a treat. I would send her up your way, but the airfare would be a little pricey! Now I read this and enjoyed it, hope you do too.... "The eagle loves to soar high above the world, not to look down on people, but in order to encourage them to look up." Lovingly, Anne

jadzia7667 said...

I hope you continue to rest and recharge.  This isn't the end of YOU, but perhaps the end of one path, and the beginning of another.  (((((Margo)))))  I'll keep sending uplifting energies to you :)

csandhollow said...

Now that it has been said out loud, you can find your peace.

emfeasel said...

Now you know and can lie in the river for a bit.



judithheartsong said...

My Dearest Margo,
You are so much more than the sum of your parts
the curve of your knee, the reach of your hand.
You are a soul and a Goddess
and a spirit that engenders love and caring.
Never for one moment forget that you are loved
and cherished and respected and revered,
For just being the you that wakes up every morning
and goes on.

I do love you my friend,