Saturday, January 6, 2007

Happy New Year?

mood: pessimistic
Happy New Year to all. I have been browsing around and lots of people are making resolutions, optimistically looking forward to all the possibilities the years will offer. Needless to say, I am not one of them.
I know that Warrior Woman, that part of me that keeps me moving forward no matter what, is alive and doing her job. I am doing my physical therapy exercises at home as well as at the p.t. office. I've tried driving a couple of times, but still don't feel safe, so I have accepted another week or two of being home. I am thinking of places I can walk once I'm free to drive again. I have even answered an Internet match e-mail.(Thank you, Becky, you didn't think I'd take up your suggestion from several months ago seriously, did you?) But of course, I can't drive yet, so I can't get out there to meet anyone yet.
But I am not filled with enthusiasm about anything-a sure sign of depression. I am once again in the dark pit, and have been for quite a while. I am quite able to put on the happy face for a few hours, a day here or there, an entry or two here, but afterwards the smile goes and I am left alone in my house, with nobody to talk to and nothing to do.
Meg calls with questions about what to do in her life, and when I have asked her to take me to a doctor's appointment, she has complied. But if I ask too much, she makes me aware of it. Peggy calls most days, and drops by for brief visits on the weekend. I go for physical therapy twice a week. Other than that, I am alone at home and talk to no one. The days are long and the nights are filled with HGTV and the Discovery channels.
I rarely fall into blaming myself for being alone anymore. I do not believe it is something I do or did, or that I am unfriendly, or not worth being friends with. I know my strengths-compassion, a nonjudgmental attitude, self-awareness, inner strength and a stick-to-it-ness that kicks in whether I want it to or not. I know at least some of my faults-I am neurotically early, I am afraid of peoples' rage, I am such an introvert that I have to retreat to know what I am feeling. And perhaps worst of all, I was born with my cup half empty. Telling me to be optimistic is like telling a chronic depressive to just cheer up.
But none of this explains why I am so alone. People who have partners or families or friend they go out with or coworkers they like have no idea what it is like to speak to no one for literally days on end. No, this is not a pity party. It is a form of musing, to put life into perspective.
I think I am alone because life, the universe, fate, the gods, the Goddess, whatever, dealt me a series of long term blows and I had to let go of everything to concentrate on survival and then healing. There is no great plan to teach me some big lesson, although I have learned some things about myself, loyalty, and courage. There is no big reason, no Goddesses or fates or fairies who stepped in to smite me down like God did to Job. It all just is, and I cannot fix it right now. I can only keep going as I am.
I cannot screw up much enthusiasm this New Year. Each of the last three years has been miserable in its own different way. And I have kept on keeping on. I will do the same this year, blindly believing that things can only get better...or worse. Either way I will keep on keeping on.
Blessings, Margo


lisa41076 said...

Margo, Awwwwwwww I hate that you feel so alone, if you ever need me I am always here for you, I hope this new year brings you some happiness, you are an amazing woman and an inspiration to many, Big Hugs Lisa

ksquester said...

Margo, I have never found your posts boring. I think you have made so many strides forward since I have been reading you. Yes, depression is awful.  Please know that I am ONLY a click away. I wish you contentment and an occassionaly big ole belly laugh in 2007.   Anne

ukgal36 said...

Hi margo,
I am new to your Journal.. for the life of me i can't remember how i got know how that click on a link and then another...anyways i just wanted to say hi and introduce myslef.. I'm lyn....
Hope today is a good day..

hope5555 said...

Hi Margo, you do sound lonely and depressed right now.  If I lived close to you I would come and visit! You can't drive, that's a bummer, and I'm assuming you've already thought about your other transportation options.  Maybe for the next 2 weeks you could give yourself permission to call a taxi and GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. Just spend the money and don't feel guilty, because your mental health is worth it. I am prone to depression, too, and for me it definitely helps to get out of the #$%!&!! house.  Actually that's a big part of the reason why I need to work rather than be a stay-at-home mom, being home all day (the few times I've done it) has led to big-time depression.  Your post does not sound like a pity-party to me; it sounds like you are just mulling things over and figuring out how to soldier on.  Anyway, here is a virtual hug:  {{{Margo}}}


stetsonsswtheart said...

Margo, Sheesh, can I empathize with YOU... I think I will do a posting about it and try to explain more clearly.  These comments thingies are just not big enough LOL.  I'm not going to say cheer up, because sometimes (most of the times) when people say that to me when I'm down? I'm like wtf? get out of my face and don't talk about something you can't truly understand without having been there themselves and even IF they have been there, or near to it ~ each person's sadness is different.  You just keep goin' on Margo... it'll work itself where it needs to be.  Blessings, Teresa

dbaumgartner said...

Margo, you know how I feel.  I am reaching out my hand, please stretch with all you might and grab hold.  We'll do this together.

Hugs my dear friend,


toonguykc said...

Hi. friend.  Depression is cruel.  It hurts when you have it and it hurts when you can't make people understand what it's like.  There just aren't enough words/the right kind of words to explain what it's like.  I'm adding you to the favorites in my journal.  I should have done it long ago!


amy122389 said...

I came across your journal via Russ and....

I feel like I need to hug you...long and hard.  I feel what you feel alot of the time.  Most people just don't understand it....but I feel lonely even when I'm surrounded by people.  I wonder if it would be any different to be surrounded by people or totally alone....would I feel the same either way.  A random musing of my own, there.  

adding you to my alerts... :-)


cowboyxxv said...

Hi Margo.  I'm here for the first time and would like to say thank you for brightening my day with your comment in my journal.  If you laughed when you read my entry then I'm happy because, like you and lots of others I have a struggle with depression that makes me crave laughter.  When I get the opportunity to laugh I treasure it and when I do something that makes folks laugh I feel I'm passing on the one spontaneous joyful feeling we all experience and can do together.  I'm totally happy to be a complete Dork if it gets a smile.  It helps a lot.

I was happy to see that you are a Lesbian woman (betcha don't hear that every day) and I got kind of thrilled "A Homosexual Found Me!"  which isn't something that happens often let me tell you.  J-land hasn't been forthcoming with the Gay friendships but maybe it has something to do with my semi reckless regard for the Gay iconography and status quo.  Hey I don't think Streisand is like what?  I love football and hard rock music and don't own a single broadway soundtrack or have a knack with window treatments.  I'm still as Gay as it gets and thats that.

I know the depression hurts and I know it can feel like it never will end but it passes when it does.  I blog when I'm up and stay quiet when I'm down.  You'll notice my coming and going.  But I'm never gone entirely.  I'm to twisted for that LOL.


reconcilinglife said...

I wish you the very best New Year. Bam

luvmort said...

"they like have no idea what it is like to speak to no one for literally days on end."

I truly envy you!  I guess it's the "grass is always greener" situation.  I have shut my phone off and hibernated just to get what you don't want.  Funny, perspective IS everything.  

stetsonsswtheart said...

(((just giving you a HUGE hug)))) Margo, thank you so much for your comments, I haven't been very good at it the past few days, it's been ... well, it's been & you know what I mean.  Believe me, I empathize so deeply about what you feel and the isolation of depression.  I have stayed completely by myself (before Cindy) for 2 weeks before, didn't speak to a soul, didn't open the curtains, nothing. Just know that I'm here... Love and Blessings, Teresa

stetsonsswtheart said...

Just checking in with you and sending you a cyber hug ((((((((Margo)))))))))) hope things are ok with you. Blessings Sweetie****  Teresa

blondepennierae said...

Margo, I have gone back and read everything that I have missed over the past months.   'I've been there and felt that' was a repeated swirl in my head as I got re-acquainted with you and your world.  It was often as if I was visiting myself.  Does that sound a bit wacky? ... truth be tell I may be, but then that would intimate that I thought you were a bit wacky too and that is as far from the truth as possible.  I think you are warm, wonderful, human, fragile, and as strong as Superman/woman.  I so admire you.  You are an inspiration to all of us.  Pennie      

csandhollow said...

Only one way to go and that is up. Hugs to you my friend.