Catching Up and Getting Out Some

To read this in a better form, go to MagogoSMusing at Blogger.

Spring has finally really arrived in my corner of Connecticut. The daffodils are blooming in waves,my neighbors magnolia is at its peak of glory, and we are all emerging, blinking in the sunlight. I am emerging a bit, too, thanks to Wellbutrin and my new snazzy cobalt blue rolling walker.

I have been struggling all winter with dizziness when I stand up-my blood pressure falls as much as 20 points sometimes. When this happens my knees go wobbly and I go down-sometimes hard. I have learned to stand up slowly and wait before I move, but there are other times when I am standing  and turn around, take a step, and go down-yelling "timber!" as I head for the floor.

Needless to say, this has been concerning since I live alone now and have a very hard time getting up, because I am still not very strong. My neurologist attributes all this to neuropathy from 30+ years of diabetes. With much less weight on my feet-I've lost over 160 lbs since my heaviest- my feet are in less firm contact with the floor than in the past.
I also stagger all over the road when I walk.

Hence the rolling walker. Walking with a cane aggravated my shoulders, but with my walker I can now walk a mile without staggering or falling down! Doesn't sound like much, but for me it's amazing.

I am getting out more socially, too. I am forcing myself to accept any invitation that come my way-a St. Patrick's Day party, an art auction for our local HIV/AIDS group, a Mary Kay make up party(!), a drumming circle. I am struggling to make the best of what comes my way, trying to meet new people(very difficult for a real introvert like me).

Have I emerged from the cave yet? Not yet, but occasionally I can see a glimmer of light far away, shining in the darkness, as I struggle down the path using my rolling walker and with the candle perched in my walker's basket. It also has a seat so I can occasionally rest.

Blessings, Margo

Cane and Candle

Hecate stands by the crossroads, where  the three paths meet, with her dogs beside her. She holds her torch high. I have stood with her, frozen, for too long. Choose a road, really only three choices, and I know for sure I am not going back down the trail I came in on. That leaves two paths, which wind away into the darkness of Her huge cave.

I have been blessed. She has stood with me through mourning, self-blame, self-doubt, self hatred, loneliness, hopelessness, a cold dark winter of Not Knowing. She is not known as a patient Goddess, but she has been patient with me. She does not give me platitudes or advice, but I know it's time to leave her, to move on. I've known for a while.

Two roads-Robert Frost  wanted to take both roads offered to him, I am gathering up courage to choose one, and neither seem well traveled. Two roads leading into darkness, to who- knows- where, but I must pick one.

And so I do, randomly starting out, supported by my new blue cane, walking off into the dark alone. I have been lonely a lot this long winter, and leaving Hecate is a wrench. I turn and honor her with a bow, and a formal "Thank You for Your Blessings". She nods and almost smiles, then turns back to Her dogs.

Perhaps She holds her torch a little higher, to give me light a little farther. I am grateful. After a while it is just me on a path,
stumbling some, feeling scared and courageous in the darkness.

In my other life, the one that people refer to as real, it is Robin, my massage therapist, who gives me a candle. As her strong hands work my deflated flesh, she tells me to fill myself with the Light of the Universe, the Light freely available to all, let it pour in through my first charka, the down my body until it is shining out my pores.

I breath in, slowly, trying to let the Light flow through me, and am struck by the difference between my lives, inner and outer, outer and inner, which is more real? I picture myself in Hecate's cave, following an unknown path in the dark, so I take some of Robin's light and know I now have a candle. One which will not go out, because it is fueled by the Light of the Universe.

So now I am walking a bit faster these days, helped by my new blue cane, and a candle which glows with the light and love of those who want me out of the cave. I am not ready to emerge, but I'm moving faster down the road with my own  candle, a small torch to light the path.

Still Alive, Mushing Onward

My computer died, not me I am alive and recovering well from kyphoplasty. I had the surgery on a Thursday, came home on Friday, fell in the bathroom on Saturday, sprained my ankle and knee, and have been laying low ever since.

My computer got sick last week, and  I could only get on briefly before it shut me down, Meg's boyfriend came over Sunday and did a temporary fix, and  I hope he'll come back eventually and really fix it.

I am still having mini sort-of-fainting-spells when I stand up too fast, because my BP falls 20 points when I stand up. I am now walking with a cane and a phone in my pocket, per order of my daughter. She'd rather not spend her Sat nights in the ER.

I've been depressed as hell, with crying jags-my own wonderful after affect of anesthesia. Luckily, since I'm living alone, I have only foisted this reaction on a few people. I hope to be better as time passes. My other personal reaction is that I cannot take in what I read. This one would panic me, but I've had enough surgery to know reading will return eventually.

I miss each and everyone of you, and will start reading  your journals as soon as I can.

Blessings, Margo

Once Again, Warrior Woman

Yes, I am still alive and struggling in Southeastern, CT. I am scheduled for back surgery on the 23rd-yes this coming Thursday- to take care of the back pain before I have this shoulder surgery I've needed for 18 months. Another Eminent DR from Yale is going to do a kyphoplasty. I came right home and googled it. They stick a needle between the vertebrae, blow up a balloon to make space, then fill the hole with cement. Medical cement, not construction cement, I'm told.

I have not been online much for a long time because it hurts to sit in this chair, and my AOL security 9 is terminally screwed up, and I haven't got the energy to fix it. I am now on an AOL 8 I found by accident  stored who knows where, and I'm not sure I'll find it again. How do I feel about the preperation, the MRI the DR's visits and blood draws and drive to Yale to meet the anestesiologist-all crammed into five days? It hasn't been a great week, full of driving-which hurts my back-and pain pills which reduce me to a blithering idiot-I hate the feeling-and I am now walking with a cane because I can't walk straight without it(maybe that's cuz I'm gay!) 

I have all the normal feelings-fear, anger, sadness,  hopelessness, flashbacks to one terrible hospitalization, but I am not giving in to any of them. Warrior Woman has put her war paint on and taken up residence, and will see me throughout will be safe to feel the feelings after the surgery.

. And it sucks being quite alone through all of this. My friends have rallied round with promises to take me down and pick me up, and Peggy, my friend of 52 years (We're 56 now!) has been dropping by and doing my laundry and being generally helpful, but I am still alone in the house a lot and I miss Rene-the good times, of course, not the bad ones. Not that I want her living here again. We talk business occasionally on the phone, and she's pleasant but not friendly.

I got a wonderful surprise when Amy, our resident hippie, ran across my number, and felt moved to call me. It was wonderful. We could talk to each other about issues and problems and joys that we knew about from our journals-it was truly talking to a friend. And it came out of the blue for me, and was a real blessing. Think of me, or pray, or send energy or thoughts or Light, on Thursday morning when I have surgery, Warrior Woman welcomes all kind of help from any Source that is meaningful to you. Thank you all.

Blessings, Margo 

          

Dizzy Blond

If this is too hard to read on aol, you can go to  http://magogosmusing.blogspot.com/   Since my back has gotten no better, I went to the ER yesterday for an X-Ray. Yup, I have a compression fracture of the L 3 vertebra. I fell New Year's Day because I got dizzy.

I have been having dizzy spells when I stand up for a couple of month or so( or more) and a couple of times I have fallen-which isn't as bad as trying to get up from the floor once I am down.

I am always glad no one is around for this maneuver., It involves shuffling on my rear end to a chair, finding a pillow for my knees along the way, then struggling onto my knees,  pulling myself up, with my weak arm screaming for mercy, until I can get my feet under me and push into a semi-standing position. From there I can rise gracefully, as I was taught so many years ago at Shipley School, the all girls finishing school I attended. Miss Spear and Miss Wagner would be proud of the last part of the maneuver, although I suspect they are rolling in their graves at the first part of the enterprise of getting up.

I may have gone off my subject a bit, but they should know that I can still curtsey pretty well (when I am not dizzy) in case I am ever presented to the Queen, and I can descend a sweeping stairs side ways in a ball gown, should that opportunity arise. And to be fair, I can still read Beowulf , which we first studied in 6th grade. Funny how the mind works. Eventually I was sent off to a co-ed Quaker boarding school where I learned how to be a leftist radical hippie, a different story all together.   In case you are were worried, I have seen my doctor, had a 90 minute evaluation for vertigo, and will go back for more sessions, have an appointment with a PA at my orthopedist's office, and am waiting for a call back from my cardiologist in case it is somehow heart related. And to top it off, I see the Eminent Shoulder Doctor on Monday. If he says surgery, I'll have to fit it in somehow. If he says surgery won't help, I am stuck here with my arm and shoulder pain forever, and will have to cope.   I am coping ok without Rene, especially by day. By night I miss her presence in the house, her laughter at the TV drifting in from the other room, her funny comments on the newspaper, that sort of small thing. I still cry sometimes but I know it will get better with time. Saturday four friends and I will have a small  ritual and smudge the house, asking for light and the opportunity for growth to fill the house and each other. My purpose is not to "get rid of Rene", but to allow her good (Light) aspects to stay, and nudge her unhappy( Dark) aspects out. I hope I can still lead powerful, but simple, ritual, something that I stopped doing with Rene in the house.   I cannot sit in a chair very long because of my poor broken back, but I appreciate your comments a lot, and am reading journals slowly, knowing now that I will never catch up, just start again as time goes on.   Blessings, Margo

Great Start, or Things Can Only Get Better

Well, I wanted to start my New Year on a positive note, so when I finished my morning ablations, I gathered my laundry together, and by 9:15 AM I had the kettle on and my laundry on the back porch, I put the first load in, stepped back, and to my great surprise, kept on going. Step after step backward, until I was no longer stepping, but falling backwards. I landed hard on a folded up rug, but jarred the hell out of myself anyway.

When I got my breath, and moved my extremities to see if I still worked, my immediate thought was, Great way to start the New Year. I will not have this be the symbol for 2006. Then I began to worry about how to get up. Because my right arm is weak, I have a difficult time pushing myself up. and I began to see some of the perils of living alone.

Eventually, I rolled across the cement floor, up a step into the kitchen, grabbing a pair of blue jeans out of the washer to pad my knees, and hauled myself up with the help of a kitchen chair. In considerable pain, but triumphant I retired to my recliner with an ice pack and pain meds, where I spent the rest of the day. I am still in pain 12 days later, but it is getting better very s l o w l y.

I have also had Cheryl-my house cleaner-in and out since before Christmas, but my house is neat enough to invite company over for the first time in years. And so Saturday night I am having 3 friends over to smudge the house, to cleanse it spiritually and psychically, with sage and ritual. The idea is to let Rene go(without malice or anger) and invite new possibilities and opportunities into my house and life.

I am pleased and excited to do this, but cautious about expecting too much too soon. I have finally gotten an appointment with an excellent shoulder Dr. out of Branford-it's taken 6 months and a lot of whining and phone calls and perseverance just to get the appointment, because I am more than one year out from my accident, and workers' comp just wants me to go away.

I have decided that if this eminent Doc says surgery might help, I'll go for that. If he says it probably won't help, I will accept my limitations and stop hoping for some sort of magical fix. I will work on learning to live with the disability and pain. And I'll look around for something else to do in my life.

I guess that is kind of a New Year's Resolution, despite the fact that I don't make such things because they always seem artificial and unrealistic.

I have not been catching up on my journal reading very quickly or in any order-it has hurt too much to sit too long. I'll get back in the swing of things eventually, I think, or else I'll delete everything and start new. I took a 4 month hiatus lasts winter because I became overwhelmed with the amount of reading I had to catch to and comment on. I miss being part of peoples' lives, however, for you are one community I depend on in my life.

Blessings, Margo

Waiting for the New Year

(First, does anyone know how to get back to a normal format? I hat that it is now so wide, so hard to read. What did In accidentally do? Help!)

I have always thought that it is somehow wrong to wish time away. We are only given so much time on earth and to waste it wishing it were gone is at least a venial sin. But I cannot wait for this day to be over, gone, done, finished, because then 2005 will be over, never to return again.

I know I will still have to deal with the problems and repercussions of 2005 as  we move into 2006, but I can do that. (After all, I am Warrior Woman.) But this year has been worse than 2004, which was worse than 2003, the year I fell and my life spun off in to medical hell.

I have some hope for 2006. My house is clean and clutter free (or will be very soon), I am still losing weight, even as I add a variety of food to my diet . I miss all the good parts of my relationship with Rene terribly. But she  has only to get her stuff out of the basement, and she will be gone, and settled in her own home. (a good thing for her). And now I am free to dream into being the life I need to live. A renewed life of the Spirit. A Life centered around the feminine side of the godhead. A group of women who are also seeking Spirit My own space to become whatever is next.

These are not New Year's resolutions, just what I hope to find to fill my life again, to give me courage to go on with the medical stuff, and confront my inner demons a little at a time. And maybe, in time, find joy again.

I wish you all a Happy New Year, and am reminded of an old friend who always gave up his New Year's Resolutions for Lent,  by which time they were way too burdensome to carry out!

Blessings, Margo