Computer is Down

I have not disappeared, my computer is giving me problems. I shall return and try to catch up ASAP. I am using Meg's computer briefly.

Surgery is roaring down the track at me. I went to meet with an anesthesiologist today, who explained about the special nerve block they will be putting in. Friday I see my surgeon's PA, who will explain the surgery more. Then next week I go to pre-admittance testing. My parents arrive on the 11th, leave the 16th, and the surgery is two days later.

When I ge back online, I will publish the finished letter to t hospital, which I mailed off Tuesday.

Blessings, Margo

Every Now and Then...

 

...I Fall Apart.

 

Last Sunday, I had a small meltdown. I don't cry or scream or reach out when I have this kind of meltdown, I just go to a very dark place in my psyche, and give in to all my fears and self loathing. I  roll around in my misery, feeling totally alone, helpless and hopeless and very much the victim of life gone awry.

 

Of course I am the recipient of a life gone awry, but  there is no victimhood there, just stuff that happened that changed my life. I know I am still working to keep abreast of all the changes, but even if I hadn't fallen and ended up  in chronic pain and disabled, I would be dealing with some other set of changes-such is life.

 

I could not see that last Sunday, I only knew I was going into another surgery, scared and alone, afraid of the pain, of the rehab, of living alone post surgery and all the problems that entails, and  angry at how unfair life was. I spent most of the day watching TV and wishing I could cry and/or whine to a real person.

 

Monday morning I got up and went to physical therapy where I did a bit of both to Gail, my physical therapist. By afternoon, I began to figure out why I hit the pits so hard and unexpectedly. I have been working on a letter to the hospital where I spent nearly two dreadful weeks, three years ago, after my fall at work.( I will publish it tomorrow.)

 

That hospitalization was one of the worst experiences of my life, and come October 19th, I will be back at the same hospital, on the same orthopedic floor, and I am really scared about it. The letter, which I am going to send, is one major step I am taking to erase the fear and move beyond that bad experience. Only after I do, will I be able to accept that this new surgery can possibly be helpful.

 

During the rest of the week I finished the letter, bought a recliner in which to recover from surgery,and began to think about what else I could do to make my hospital stay less difficult. This will include finding out the name and number of the patient advocate, and speaking to the dietitian before I go in, because of the weird diet I must live on (protein, protein, protein, then fruit and veggies, then water, water, water).

 

On top of all this, my parents are coming for a visit, pre-surgery. They arrive on Oct 11th and leave the 16th. Surgery is the 18th. My parents have not been in CT in about 5 years, because my mom has been sick on and off. She wants to see the ocean one last time, and I want to hang out with her more than I did this summer. I suspect this will be their last visit to CT.

 

Although they spend 4 or 5 months in PA, then fly back to CO, where they live the rest of the year, I am not thrilled that they are driving themselves. Dad is 83 and Mom is 81, and both are stubborn as the devil, so I am no longer protesting the trip. They will spend three nights at a motel, and two more at my house. They have not stayed here in over 15 years! I'll let you all know how this all works out!

 

Blessings, Margo

 

 

Well, I Guess I'll Survive, Afterall

A few days have gone by, and I have come realize it is not so much  the surgery I  need to worry about as the pain and recovery. I'll write about the pain issues another time. Whether I go to a Rehab place, or come home quickly, I will have to spend a fair amount of time alone, using only my left hand. My right arm will be in a sling, and hurting.

 

I have to plan ahead for such things as being unable to open my pill bottles, or grind  up my meds or my ice (which I do so they will dissolve quickly because I have such a small stomach now) or open cans or bottles or scramble eggs, or put on a bra, or button my jeans, or change my jewelry ( it may not be expensive, but I love wearing it!) or change the toilet paper roll, or use the cane and rolling walker I need for balance ( when I use my walker left handed, I roll in circles!)

 

Now this time I am not complaining, or whining and moaning. I am just planning ahead as much as possible, knowing that more issues I haven't thought about will pop up, willynilly. I will ask neighbors to help with many of these issues, although it will be hard to ask. I am way too willing to go things alone. I am already getting suggestion from people, some workable, some not so helpful. I well remember how much hard work Rene put in, and, of course, my mother has one arm(but she lost her left arm!) so I do know what I'm in for. Even my recliner is "right handed" as the handle is on the right and stiff.

 

Rene's brother Kevin and Jodi (with an i) of Looking Beyond the Cracked Window, have volunteered to drive many miles, so I can see my therapist. And I will request all the help possible from worker comp-like someone to come in daily and help for a while, and rides to and from physical therapy.

 

I have (at least for the moment) moved from anxiety into planning. I know that anxiety will  creep up to grab me again, but now I am seeing that I can muster energy to plan ahead, so I will not feel as helpless as I did three years ago when the rod was put in.

 

Perhaps Warrior Woman will, once again, come through for me!

 

Blessings to you all, Margo

OMG-Surgery, Whine, Whine, Piss, Piss

Human beings-and I here I mean me-are funny creatures. I spent the whole summer waiting for my shoulder surgery to be scheduled, complaining that I need it done, the time couldn't pass quickly enough, all I wanted was a date.

 

Well, I have a date, October 19th, and now it feels as if that date is a train barreling down a track straight at me, and there will never be enough time to prepare. Food, toilet paper, paper towels, arrangements to make, the need to open cans and jars and cook with my left hand.

 

And the pain. I remember how much pain there was after the doc I grew to hate put the rod in. And how he belittled the pain. Later, after the Yale Pain Clinic had diagnosed me with chronic pain, I asked the surgeon if he had ever had a broken bone, or had any period of pain in his life, and he admitted he hadn't. That was my last visit with him and soon he left the practice.

 

This time, a doctor I know and trust will remove the screws and the rod (if possible) which have been impinging on my rotator cuff, and then clean out the rotator cuff, for good measure. Oh, joy, I cannot wait to see if the surgery riles up my neuropathy, which runs down my forearm and into my hand. Neuropathy pain sucks.

 

Yes, my anxiety is rising, and the whole thing is bringing up hospital flashbacks, and acute loneliness, for I will come home to an empty house.( Except for Roxy, of course).  Meg will be working 60 to 70 hours a week at our local nuclear power plant, mandated during the planned shut down (for refueling and double checking every piece of equipment).  This will go on through November, and she will have enough on her plate with the new baby and her 12 hour work days.

 

My friend Peggy is working full time, and I will need to have outside help come in, to help with bathing, dishes, etc. And a nurse to come in to check for infection. And the final blow is that I won't be able to drive for six weeks, so I'll have to miss my weekly therapist's appointments, at the time I need to see her he most.

 

Well, this has turned into a finely miserable entry. It feels as if all I do is spew anxiety and then whine about it! I know that patients who go in with a positive outlook do better in surgery and healing, so I had better get my rear in gear and start to fake positivity a little better, so I can make it through!

 

Hope you all are hanging in. I certainly will.

 

Blessings, Margo

Moving into Fall

It is amazing to discover that summer is over. I spent a lot of it waiting for an appointment with my ortopedic surgeon, which finally happened at the end of August. While I was waiting I went to a family reunion, of sorts, in the Poconos, where my parents. have a cabin. I was able to spend time with my nephew Luke, his mother, my sister Catherine, her gentleman friend Bob, my brother Luke, his wife Mary, Meg, Myla (who is now three months old!) and Adam, and then, later, my nephews Eric and Brian (Luke and Mary's sons) , and Eric's girlfriend Amanda.

 

I didn't get to spend enough time with my parents, however, as they have a seperate, small, winterized cabin, where they stay to escape from the chaos in the lower cabin. I have mixed feelings about these get togethers. Some of us suffer from depression, some from bi-polar, others from near(or full blown) alcholism, and some are completely oblivious to all of this! It makes for an interesting mix, and a certain amount of tiptoeing around each other.

 

Of course , everyone else can escape into the woods, or down the stream, or out on the lake. I am pretty much stuck in the cabin area, because I walk with a  cane or rolling walker. Dirt roads, woodland paths, and lots of rain made it difficult  get around. But I read a lot (murder mysteries) and napped and visited with whoever happened to be around. And I am glad I went for the visit, despite our collective craziness.

 

Now I must move on to the next hurdle. My shoulder surgery is scheduled for October 19th. I've been waiting for this surgery for the last two years, but now I am dreading it. I went through this 3 years ago, and know quite well what I am in for-an unfortunate feeling of deja vu.

 

Tonight I am purposely not looking too far ahead, but as time passes, I need to reach into myself to activate Warrior Woman yet again. Maybe I'll look more at it more next week!

 

Blessings, Margo

 

 

 

And Unto Me a Grandchild was Given

Yes, I am still alive and doing okay and living in SE CT. And yes, I am a grandmother! Meg had her baby by C-section on June 15th, and I feel so blessed that I got to be in the room, holding her hand while the baby was delivered. A girl! Meg had kept her secret up til the end. I watched the baby emerge from the incision, and, after they weighed and suctioned and wrapped her up, I was the first one to hold her, to bring her over to Meg to see. Meg named her Myla.

I am overjoyed. I spent the first 10 days "sleeping" on Meg's couch, helping when I could, and going home during the day to sleep. I am grateful that she live a half a mile up the road, so I can go over most days to hild Myla, and that Meg doesn't mind my dropping in.(I always call first, though.)

Meg"s boyfriend, Adam, seems to be taking on the role of daddy, although she was already pregnant by artificial insemination when she met him. He lives and works in RI, and comes down on weekends. I give then privacy on weekends, but cannot wait for Mondays, so I can go over and hold Myla  and sing nursery rymes to her. I have also tauight her to stick out her tongue, as my mother taught Meg ast the same age.

Babies are amazing, and the fact that Meg(at 34) is old enough to have one is still amazing to me. I love that I was there at the moment she crossed the line from maiden to mother, archtypally speaking, and felt myself becoming even more of the Crone, even though my menses stopped long ago. This is not bad, for the Crone carries the archetype of wisdom, and I hope to grow into the role more as I age as gracefully as possible.

As for everything else, well, Rene is still shutting me out, and I now understand that I was making big changes, and as she struggles with change, I may have beeen something of a threat to her. I still love and miss her, but have pretty much accepted that she's gottta do what she's gotta do, and am moving on with my life.

The summer has been filled with physical therapy, and chiropractry, and my regular round of doctor's appointments,with some massage therapy and accupuncture thrown in, because I think alternative therapies do help.
I saw my surgeon, Dr. Bell,for my one year after gastric bypass appointment. I have lost over 180 pounds since my heaviest in April '05, and am a shadow of my former self!
My annual bloodwirk came out alright, and I have an appointmrent with a plastic surgeon, though I probably have to have the shoulder surgery before I can excize the incerdable rolls of skin and left over fat that weigh me down now.

I am sorry, yet again, it has taken me so long to post. I seem to go through periods of inertia when it comes to the computer. After a few days away, I am overwhelmed by all the e-mails, and cannot find the energy to catch up. Plus the dining room, where my computer is, is not airconditioned, and I am definitely not a summer person. Some days I feel trapped in the living room, where I run an old air conditioner practically full time.

Thank you for you concern and e-mails to me, asking how I am. They make me realize how much my friends out here in computerland mean to me, and I an grateful to all of you.

Blessings, Granny  Margo :)

Granny Margo?

I know it's been a long time since I have made an entry, but this time it's not because I am deep in a dark cave. I seem at have emerged through a tree root, and l found myself in deep woods, but at least I can see the light of day.

In the other world-the one we call real life- is busier because my 33 year old daughter is about to present me (and her father) with a grandchild! I do not usually write much about Meg because she doesn't want to have her life broadcast into cyberspace,  These days my readership is small enough that I feel you are my friends, and want to share the my joy.

She has been talking about having a child for several years now, and has been waiting for a  stable environment, a partner, male or female, with whom to have a child.  As the years have passed, her frustration level rose to the point of researching artificial insemination. And that is what she did, deciding to raise the child alone-with help from friends and family. We were thrilled-my mother can't wait to meet her great grandchild! I'm a bit impatient, too, considering it's not due til mid June.

And because life is filled with the unexpected, she met her boyfriend Adam on some dating service. She got several calls, and told each one that she was pregnant, and quite capable of taking care of the child and herself. She went out on several dates, and Adam was the last. He lives and works in Rhode Island and they see each other on weekends,

He seems completely unconcerned about how this child's life began, and will roar down from R. I. to be there for her during the birth. She also has a Doula, who will be with her during all the hospital labor and delivery. She is very well organized, with day(and night) care-she works alternating 12 hour shifts - and a detailed birth plan and an interesting nursery all ready.  (The nursery is decorated with fire and fairies! This is no surprise to anyone who knows her.)

She has researched early childhood-her college major was human development and family relations, though now she works as a plant operator assistant at a nuclear power plant against which I used to protest. She has selected a minimum of "baby things" to fit in her small house, and she is now going to an acupuncturist to turn the baby who is breech at the moment.

She is still working, forced kicking and screaming into light duty, at five months along. She has not missed a whole days work since she became pregnant She is rightly proud  of her organization and planning, and is handling getting bigger and bigger very well. She has a great attitude about labor and delivery, and now even has Adam to be by her side.

Poor Meg, she hasn't a clue. This baby will disrupt all her neatly laid plans, will change her life in ways she cannot imagine, will fill her tiny house with equipment and toys, joy and exhaustion. will take over her heart and mind as it has taken over her body, She cannot imagine the ride she embarking on, and all of this is okay.

She will struggle and grow along with the child and, luckily, is a strong, independently minded woman who rises to challenges. I cannot imagine where she comes from! Her father and I are slightly bemused about this child we raised.

All the way through this, I have referred to the baby as " the child" or "it" because she decided early not to share the child's gender with anyone. This has driven some friends almost crazy, but she points out this is the only nine months in its whole life that nobody is projecting gender roles on to him or her, and she wants to keep it that way! She thinks about these things.

The fly in the ointment is the baby in breech. If he/she does not turn, she will have to have a C-section, and will be miserable about that until she holds the baby in her arms. Most of all, though, she wants a healthy child.

So that is the news in my neck of the woods, and I will let you all know what's going on when we know more!

Blessings, soon-to-be Granny Margo